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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there, stopping by for the Review Battle! :)

I love Lily/James, so the fact that this all revolves around them and their relationship and that kind of stuff makes me very happy indeed, and that's good before it's even started :P

The way you write Lily is so lovely, as well. She's hardworking, intelligent, nice, gets stroppy and upset and irrationally angry like a normal person, and isn't perfect (which I've seen in quite a few things). She's human and even in this first chapter, you've shown us such a bunch of different traits that I already feel like I know her character. It's pretty awesome.

Her friends made me laugh! Bouncing into the room, all excited, one stroppy, one sort of quiet and unobtrusive. It's kinda the classic girl group, you know? Which has it's upsides and it's downsides, but you're managing it great here so far! I hope there's more of them later, particularly Clara, as I'd like to see them more developed later on - I think they could be brilliant characters!

One thing I do want to say is that at times it feels to me like there's a little too much tell and not enough show, if that makes sense. I think it might be to do with your sentence structure, but I'm not overly sure, tbh. It just feels a bit stilted at times, like you're telling me a story, rather than showing me in the descriptions and the actions, etc. I hope that makes sense, though I'm really not sure it does, but I have no idea how to phrase it more clearly... O.o

Anyway, I have to admit that I'm really not a huge fan of cliches, and there are obviously some here (there are always cliches in Lily/James! Particularly rom-com Lily/James!) but you're using them so well, that I didn't think about them at all while I was reading - I didn't wonder if it was or wasn't a cliche, it just flowed so well with the story and I just kept reading all the way through to the end.

Your style of writing is lovely, as well. It's really clear and neat and precise. Your characters are great, the plot sounds really funny and awesome, and I really hope I catch you again in the review battle!

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hi Aphoride :) thanks for the lovely review!

I am really pleased you liked the way I wrote Lily! I really don't like it when Lily is made out to be perfect - yes, in the books she was always portrayed as a lovely person but nobody is perfect and I don't believe she was! So I'm glad you found Lily's character in this to be good :-)

Hee, I'm glad her friends made you laugh! It's good to hear that you think I'm managing them well here :) There will be more of them later, though there will be more of Lucinda than Clara ;) It's made me happy to hear you think they could be brilliant characters!!

Thank you for the CC, it totally made sense! There is less description/action etc in this than I usually write (I'm not entirely sure why though) so I can see why it would feel a bit more telling than showing. I will go back and edit to try and improve that! Thank-you

Eeek, cliches! I couldn't help it! I'm glad you felt I used them well though and that it didn't put you off reading :)

I'm so glad you felt my style of writing is lovely, I often worry it is too simple, so it is encouraging to hear that it works! Thanks :)

Thanks again for the great review!

Haronione ♥


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