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Review:shez says:
This might be a weird question but have you heard of the game Dragon Age? (cosyouhaddragonsandhunting andsomeonenamedandersandfeelfreetoignorethisifitdoesn'tmakesense)

Review time! So I have to say the plot has gotten VERY intriguing up to this point, and my only issue with that is how long it took. I get you're developing Dranaxandra (COUPLE NAME!!) but, erm, well maybe it's just me, but I would've liked to see the plot developments come sooner. Your prologue sets the bar high, my friend :)

But I like the bits we find about Ana in the last three chapters. She comes from a very strange background. I want to know what her plan is and who was that man that fled. I haven't exactly latched on to her as a character yet. I know you were worried about her being "all over the place" and my advice for that is KNOW your character. Know exactly what you want her to be. Don't feel like you have to justify her to your readers. That's the beautiful thing about OCS--you can do whatever you want with them. But make sure Ana OWNS her childish, sheltered, stubborn, brave qualities. While I don't see her as a Mary Sue, I think you can definitely add another layer of depth to her.

Now I have some (not really problems but) suggestions. To improve flow and reader interest a tad bit. You have a habit of overexplaining or stating that I think you could improve by taking out redundancies and dusting a few sentences. Really, pretty minor.

I’m so sorry!” {she embarrassingly apologized} (chpt 5)

^we know she's apologizing. Edit to "She said/exclaimed, embarrassed."

“Nothing is wrong,” Anaxandra {aggressively replied} (chpt 6)

^growled, snarled, hissed, affirmed, etc. You can make it aggressive w/o using the word. Overall, I would try to limit the use of adverbs.

"sadness swimming in her silvery gray eyes." (chpt 6)

^I know this is mean to be rhetorical, you don't want to use to a phrase like this. It, err, melodramatic?


“Everything has been so busy here at the office! With more and more murders turning up, I don’t know how we will keep up!” Gawain exclaimed, {oddly still in a happy tone but with a worried undertone.} (chpt 5)

^bracketed portion is a bit awkward. Not sure what you want to say there. There are a few other phrases like this.


Lastly, some POV issues---


"There were so many emotions raging behind her eyes that all he wanted to do was find a way to comfort her- but please, don’t get the story twisted. It’s not like he wanted to wrap her in his arms and gently whisper into her ear all night that everything was going to be okay... " (Chpt 6)


"Anaxandra was really good at making friends wherever she went, can't you tell?" (chpt 7)


^both times you're addressing the audience as the narrator, which suspends the storytelling. I would edit these.


I know I had a lot of critique, but trust me when I say you're story's REALLY good to begin. I want to help you make it even better; that's why my critique for you is nitpicky. The characters are growing, the plot is mystifying. I haven't a clue where it's going. I can't wait! Keep writing and feel free to rerequest!

Happy days! :)

Author's Response: Yes! It is my one of my FAVORITE games of all time! I've had someone else ask me about it as well :) Glad to know there are so many DA:O lovers out there!

That was my issue at the beginning. I think I replied telling you that when I started writing this, I was so naive and ignorant to how much actually went into PACING a story! I do apologize, and I also wish it would have picked up a tiny bit sooner, but not much I can do about that now :(

I'm trying really hard with her :( That was my issue, making sure she wasn't flat. Looks like I have some work to do.

These help me out alot! I'm working on not being so sensitive to critique, so if I seem a little wounded after a long review like this, don't take it personal. It's my own issue lol. But I really needed this. I wanted so badly to revise the earlier chapters and I didn't really know where to start. These little nitpicky details will help so much when I start really cleaning this story up.

Thank you again, and I will re-request soon after I've revised my chapters.


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