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Review:APerkins says:
Hi Starfeather, I want to really encourage you for writing novels in your second language! Well done!
This is an excellent way to improve your fluency, and I think you are doing an amazing job.

I find it hard sometimes to say what I want in my own language - to convey the "tone" of a story, the emotion of a scene in the way I build a sentence. To try and do it in a language that is a second language must be very challenging!
You are doing a great job - there are very few grammatical mistakes but your biggest problem comes because this is your second language. It makes a lot of the story sounds childish - like the story is designed for children.

This is a hard thing to fix, but for a few examples,
"Harry and Ginny became quiet. Ron cleared his voice."

can be rephrased
"Harry and Ginny fell silent as Ron cleared his voice."

and the paragraph:
"Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. George's pale face was distorted with tense sorrow. Flames flared in the wind. Finally tears were dropping from George's eyes. The fire went out, Mr.Weasley collected ashes into a container with his wand. Mrs.Weasley, Ginny,Fleur and Hermione were waiting outside the gate. Mr. Weasley handed the container to Mrs.Weasley."

is a collection of short sentences that whilst they describe what happens, dont convey the emotional weight of the story.

If you were the paragraph, one option would be like this. (Bits you dont have in your story ,but I would consider adding are marked with-- -- on either side )

" Lee Jordan put his right arm around George's shoulder. As the flames --of the funeral pyre?-- flared in the wind, tears finally dropped from George's eyes.
--I would insert some sentence to describe time going by here--
--Finally?-- The fire went out and Mr Weasley collected the ashes into a container with his wand.
--another sentence to describe the emotions going on? - These are probably more important details than who Mr Weasley handed the container to--"


I am so impressed by the fact that you have written not one but several novels in English.
Can I encourage you to keep reading too? When you are reading, take note of how others build their scenes!
Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much, APerkins, it is very difficult for me to develop my English espression in my country where lots of English conversation schools,translation and business English schools are but we have few places to learn English literary expression more, so I really appreciate your advice, so please give me advice more if you have time to spare, I'll reread this chapter and try another way of expression, thank you!

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