Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:patronus_charm says:
Hey there! Iím here with your requested review :)

Just as a minor thing on presentation, I would include a line break or some sort of sign to show that your authorís note isnít part of the main text, and the reader will clearly know where the story begins. Also, I would keep the spaces between each paragraph the same just to make it look clearer and allow the reader to adjust rather than have varying gaps which can prove distracting at times.

I would watch your wording at times, like here ĎHer clothes were torn, as was her skin;í it just sounds a little awkward maybe, Ďher clothes were torn, like her skiní itís just less wordy, but still conveys what youíre trying to say. One tip for this is to read your work aloud because often when you say it you realise how it actually sounds rather than how it appears in your head.

The tension at the beginning of the chapter with Grace supposedly coming back to life was really great! You conveyed it in such a way it left me on tenterhooks and the appearance of canon characters such as Kingsley and Dumbledore helped to keep it grounded. Your description really aided that section with all the cries and shouts as I could imagine the chaos perfectly. However, one time Kingsley called her Grace but I would perhaps get him to use her last name to make it more serious.

Iím slightly confused about the timing of all of this. At first I thought it was Hogwarts with Kingsley being there and then there were all of the original Maruaders. I think if this is a Marauder era story, it would be unlikely for Kingsley to have such a high up position in the Ministry as he doesnít even have it when we meet him in OoP and instead that person would be Crouch. If it is in the present day, my apologies, but Iím still confused about why the Potters are appearing. Perhaps if you included something really obvious such as the date at the beginning it would help readers placing themselves. :)

Then the people she brought back confused me too, as I thought Lucius and Narcissa were still alive but it seemed as if Tonks and Dumbledore werenít dead, so I think perhaps if you provided greater clarity over that, it would be good.

I did like the idea of her striking a deal with Death because I always do enjoy stories which feature it as it does make for an interesting read. Also, Grace does seem to be an interesting OC so it will be interesting to see why she caused this happen.

I hope this review wasnít too harsh! I just think the idea is great it just needs greater clarity at points :)

-Kiana

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review!

Yes, I definitely agree that using a line break is a probably a good idea so that I may distinguish the story's text from the author's note. Thanks for that!

I tend to be a bit wordy sometimes :). I had not thought of reading it aloud though, that's very good advice.

Now, onto the chaos that is my first chapter. This is exactly why I needed some guidance, it seems no matter how many times I rewrite it there is still a muddle of confusion. The first chapter starts begins in 1998-1999 and then flashes back to the Marauder's era (where the remainder of the story will primarily be taking place), which is why I labeled the story as such. Although I have dates in the following chapters, I had not thought of adding a date which could clear up some of the confusion.

I reread the section where Grace is announcing people, I realized that I never mentioned who exactly was standing in the crowd. Many of the people were those that had been resurrected, however few were there upon Grace's request of their assistance (eg the Malfoys), that was a very large error on my part and I apologize for the confusion.

Shacklebolt calling Grace by her first name was another error on my part, thank you for pointing that out :).

The review was not harsh at all, it was exactly what I needed. I knew this chapter was giving me trouble but could not be impartial enough to recognize some of its flaws!

Thank you so much!

-Rumpel


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 129
Submit Report: