So Iím just going to jump in and say that you have a very well-thought out story and Iíve really been enjoying the development between the MCs in the past three chapters. Iím really amazed at how balanced youíre keeping things and I think itís a great idea to mention bits and pieces of Anaís old life in each chapter rather than an ďinformation dumpĒ where we least expect it. So far the plot hasnít really picked up, and thatís fine! Because youíre developing the characters right now. I donít see any glaring problems with this story, honestly, itís really great!
But Iíll be nitpicky because you want me toÖ [feel free to ignore if you want]
So character consistency. Iím assuming youíre worried about Ana since Draco seems to be really much in characteróat least these past three chapters. He seems mature and yet still retains some of his prattish tendencies but I like that heís now very much ďthe good guyĒ. Heís grown up and learned to move on from his death eater past. So, AnaÖ
Iím a little confused at her age. Iím assuming you want her to be Dracoís age but she tends to act (at least in the second chapter) a little too childish. She sounds like sheís sixteen. We get a sense of her annoyance with the (honestly, a bit) dimwitted aurors but frustration and irritation donít really seem to fitting emotions as sheís just lost her family (her parents have died, right? Correct me if Iím wrong). I would think sheís grieving. And her childishness wouldnít be a problem if you didnít want to have the MCs end up together, but I just felt like there was a bit of mental age gap between him and her.
However this seems to balance out a little chapters 3 and 4, when we learn a little more about her past and Dracoís current situation with his fiancťe. I like the budding acquaintance (or at least tolerance) b/w them, even though it still feels a little like Dracoís playing babysitter. But I really LOVED this part:
She feltÖ the urge to make him coffee. Yes, because that's how normal people feel when they spend two weeks with someone who feeds them and keeps them company, even though they annoy them to no end. Not some sort of friendship or camaraderie, just the incessant urge to brew coffee.
You manage to say so much about them without drilling home the point. Human. Realistic. Beautifully and eloquently put. THIS is superior characterization, my friend. If you ever find yourself lost on how to describe a budding relationship, look at this amazingness you have already written.
PacingóItís been a 3-4 ish chapters so we havenít really gotten into the main story of it so I canít really tell you if youíre going too fast or slow. But if weíre going by the way the prologue was written, chapters 2-4 seem a little slowÖish. But itís your story and if you have something in store, so ignore me if Iím not making any sense!
I sense the people who are hunting Ana are going to come find her and Dracoís going to get caught in the midst of it
All in all, I feel like this story has incredible potential. And Iím not just saying that either. Itís just I havenít read enough of it to really know whatís going to happen yet. Please donít take my criticism the wrong way b/c itís very nitpicky and subjective, so if you feel very strongly about your character then feel free to ignore. At any rate, I hope this review is of some use to you! Rerequest if you want to!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! This means a lot coming from you because I'm so in love with your story right now!
*Sigh* When I first started writing this... I didn't really have much of an endgame. I am such a new writer, and I was so naive to what it really entailed to write a story, that I got caught up in one scene that I imagined without planning it out or knowing what I really wanted to say. I just kind of danced around with my characters, hoping that the story would kind of "write itself" (Oh Merlin, so bad).
The age thing has been addressed. I got that comment before, and decided to do some revising. I know she seems childish, and I think that's due to her being stubborn. I do see what you're saying though. Ana develops so much more as the story goes on, I promise. I know she seems flat now, but things get set in motion in a couple of chapters, and that's when my plot really kicks up.
I'm glad that you liked that bit about the coffee :) It was very fun for me to write, and as much as I have edited that chapter, that bit has always stayed the same.
Your opinion and feedback was lovely! I will be sure to re-request because it really helped me a lot! :)