Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, Kiana! Tagging you from Review Tag!

I liked the way you started off your story. You got some of the basic information out there without really dwelling on it or making it feel like a big plot dump. Based on a few details (Sirius being at Grimmauld Place, Voldemort's return confirmed, the "muggle gangstas" and their hoodies on a June day -- it was easy to place the story during the summer between GoF and OotP. The cast of characters you introduced were perfect for the timing and it really did feel like we were bearing witness to the rebirth of the Order.

You struck a great balance with Tonks's character. You made her seem young, eager and more than a bit naive without making her seem foolish. She obviously doesn't understand the horrors that she's signing up for because she's too young to remember much about the first war. Her enthusiasm to get involved is rooted mostly in her relationships with Kingsley and Mad-Eye, although meeting Bill and Sirius quickly adds to the impetus. The only thing I might have suggested you do differently would be to make her a bit less modern and "hip" and perhaps downplay the clumsiness a little. She's a witch, and a very good one judging by the fact that she was accepted into the Auror Department. I felt like the way you played up her hopelessness at pulling pranks and her difficulty remaining upright minimized that a bit.

Her first meeting with Remus was pretty perfect, though. You didn't make it love at first sight or anything over the top like that, which I thought was a really good choice. She notices certain things about him, enough that it's obvious that she's intrigued but not unnaturally so. Then Sirius comes along and relieves the awkward tension and the story moves along. I thought it was a great start.

Dumbledore's dialog sounded really good, which is a very tricky thing to pull off. Kudos for writing him well!

I loved what you did with Sirius's character. You gave him a lot of depth in a relatively short appearance, exploring his feelings of isolation and guilt.

I saw a few things while I was reading that you might want to take another look at:

Donít get me wrong, the Order did interesting, but all Kingsley said we would be doing now was basic surveillance work. -- interesting things?

This part of the world seemed so normal; it was hard to think that an anti-Voldemort group hanged out here. -- hung out there?

When I said reflecting I meant deep reflecting not that the my shoelaces were undone. - not that my shoelaces...

I span round to see who it was and I could immediately tell. -- I spun round

Otherwise, I thought your writing was good. The chapter flowed well and you had a good mix of dialog, narrative and exposition. Nice job!

Author's Response: Hi Dan!

I'm so glad that you liked the opening description and backstory because first chapters are a big hate of mine for exactly those reasons! I really love this era of the Harry Potter time scale because it just feels like the calm before the storm of the sixth book so it was so much fun introducing it!

I'm glad that you liked Tonks's character because having finished writing this during JulNo I have to say I miss writing her a lot. I see what you mean about striking the balance even further in her characterisation, which I think I have done more so in the later chapters. I'll definitely go and review it here because Tonks if the first few chapters was a little too enthusiastic!

Hahaha, that first meeting was what inspired me to write the story as I just had this vision of her doing it in my head and it spun from there, so I'm glad you liked it. I think with Tonks she's not the type to go down the love at first sight route, so it was fun going down the more obscure one! Sirius is a relieving of tension a lot in this story, so I'm glad you picked up on that.

I'm so glad that you liked Sirius and Dumbledore because they're such big characters that there's always the sense of fear when approaching them.

Thanks for pointing those errors too, some always managed to slip past me no matter how many times I edit and re-edit chapters! Thanks for the great review, Dan, it was really helpful :D

-Kiana


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 510
Submit Report: