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Review:MargaretLane says:
In your first sentence there should be a comma at the end of the dialogue, not a full stop and the word "was" should have a small "w", as it's all one sentence.

I'd also be inclined to go onto a new paragraph when she opens her eyes. Dialogue usually stands alone.

*laughs* I like the way you characterise both sisters in the paragraph saying what a typical Ravenclaw Jasmine is. Not only does it tell us what kind of person Jasmine is; it also gives us a good impression of what kind of person Katie is, as she clearly DOESN'T enjoy reading and studying. Actually, they remind me a little of me and my younger sister and my sister's incredulous comment when I came home from college one weekend and started talking about some book on Dev or the 1916 Rising or something I'd found in the college library. "You read History for FUN?" She sounded utterly appalled.

Really like the details you give about everything the family is doing when she comes down that morning.

You also have us wondering who everybody is. I thought firstly that maybe the father'd remarried and Lindy was his new wife, but then you mentioned Karen and I thought maybe SHE was his new wife. Looking forward to finding out who all these people are.

The Daily Prophet should have a capital "D" and "P" and should probably be in italics, as it's a title.

You seem to have lost somebody. Did somebody stay home? There were six people mentioned: the father, Lindy, Karen, Katie, Jasmine and Georgia. Then you said two adults and three children got into the car, which only makes five people.

"She realised she was beaten" should be a separate sentence from what she said.

I like the way she gets Hugo's name wrong. It makes sense and people making mistakes like that happens far less often in fiction than in real life. It makes your story realistic.

Like the way Al is the more reasonable one and Rose is the one to jump to conclusions in your story. It usually seems to be the other way about, and this way does make sense as Ron is likely to be more vocal about Malfoy than Harry and Ginny, understandably, since Malfoy nearly killed Ron; he kind of has the right not to be reasonable about somebody almost murdering him.

By the way, it should be "he's a little Death Eater, not "his," since it's short for "he is".

Author's Response: Again thanks for reviewing! You're my favorite aha and thanks for correcting my grammar. I'm not too good at it :)
Yeah, with the characterization I was trying to show how different Katie and Jasmine were. So I guess it worked. I have the same thing as you and your sister with my older brother, he's into politics and stuff and always watches Question Time and I'm like WHY?!
Lindy is his new wife and Karen is the house maid. I tried to make that clear, but I guess not... I'll fix that up, thanks :) so yeah, that meant that Karen stayed behind at the house.
Thank you again! It's really great to know that you like it! And it's encouraging to hear your reviews! :D


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