Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello there, Iím here with your review! Just a small pet peeve, next time could you link to the story rather than the chapter as I like to see the word count before reading itís just a little OCD of mine!

Iím glad that you chose this part of Neville, Luna and Ginnyís life to follow as I think itís a really interesting one with all the changes going on in Hogwarts and a perfect time and way for romance to blossom between Neville and Luna. The gentle touches of the hands were really sweet as it seemed as if they were both supporting one another through the harsh times. However, I would perhaps lengthen the transition between the three of them talking about darker matters to Ginny quizzing them as that was very light hearted in comparison and I felt it could have been more detailed.

Considering that this is your first ever story itís an impressively high standard compared to my own first one. However, though you generally toed a good line between showing verus telling here, ĎThe term had been hard on Neville, who had tried to protect the students from the horrific things happening at Hogwarts, even trying to get Dumbledoreís Army started again. Ď I would perhaps review that. Maybe include a memory of what he did, it need only be a brief one perhaps a line or two just to make us know the story behind the cuts and bruises rather than us just accepting them.

I feel so silly not realising this was the journey were Luna was kidnapped but either way I really liked that. It had a nice mix of action and description and it seemed so tragic for Neville to be ripped away from Luna so soon. Just a few improvements in that section before I forget, you need to capitalise Death Eaters and he mentioned something about a person called Barty which threw me as I donít remember anyone being called that so perhaps change it to a fifth year of something and it would make more sense.

The burst of anger in Neville was really good I thought as he often did have those in the books. It liked that moment a lot (which is saying something as Iím a vegetarian pacifist :P) as it really moved me to see he loved her enough to kill for her. I thought Ginnyís reaction of that afterwards was perfect with calling him a hero and showed a great transition between him before and how we saw him when he met the others at the Hogís Head.

I would perhaps advice on you getting a quick beta for your next one-shot or perhaps even get them to look over this so all the grammatical errors are weaned out. There were several ones in relation to dialogue punctuation and differentiation between using speech marks and apostrophes. They really do help a lot as I learnt basically all my grammar from mine and would probably make more sense than me attempting to explain briefly in my review :)

I thought this was a really great first fan fiction and shows a great promise for you future work!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hey, I will defiantly do that next time sorry!

Thanks for your review and your tips. I would of responded sooner to this, but it wouldn't let me!

I've edited some bits, and I'm sure as I continue writing I will get better with the grammar and things, and then I can come back and read this one shot and be totally embarrassed! ;)

cheers :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 606
Submit Report: