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Review:loveinidleness says:
Dearest Random Writer,

Draco/Astoria has indeed won me over.

The very start of your story is absolutely delicious. Those two lines melted my heart. Punchy first lines are something I always struggle with so Im taking notes. I was very, very impressed that you handled the exposition at the beginning of the story. Many writers get bogged down in it or list stuff off but you made it part of the story and seamlessly blended it with jokes (such as vaccum cleaner up your backside) and more serious and tragic memories (such as him barely noticing her) and that only serves to draw your readers in.

One of your great skills is making the audience feel instantly connected to your main character. Clever lines such as the unsteady flutter of my pre-teen heart is so universal you instantly connect with Astoria and are on her side, that can be a difficult thing to do. Because we dont really know Astoria from the books I would maybe even include more of those little universal feelings. Because you wrote having a crush so well, if you were ever thinking of extending the story, I would encourage you to lengthen that bit of the story – did she ever try love potions? Did she ever for a second think he liked her back? Did her other bfs annoy her because they didnt live up to the fantasy she had created of him? Having read your writing I really think you could be funny with those topics.

I suppose Im wondering what your intentions are with the story. For you what exactly is this story about and how long do you intend it to be? The comments I would make if this were the start of a short story would be entirely different to the comments I would make if it were the start of a novel. Id be really interested to hear your visions for the piece as without that information Im finding it difficult to offer constructive advice.

General comments though are sometimes you need to watch your phrasing slightly. For example you say exclusive group of Elite Death Eaters when just one word, exclusive or elite, would suffice. You do that a couple of times in the piece and it just makes it a bit harder to read and can make it sound less natural. That said you have a wonderfully descriptive style so dont stop using your adjectives as its what makes the story so interesting, just streamline them a bit.

Also I would have a think about how Astoria expresses herself when shes talking about the Deatheaters. She says she looked on them with resentment and distain but surely one of the 26 remaining pure blood family might be even fearful about refusing to join in with Voldemort. Then she talks about how her failure to take part in the battle affects her so much she has to give up magic, and how shes angry and wants to defy the social order. This is a really interesting angle to take with a pure-blood character but surely this history would have more of an affect on her when she sees Malfoy again. The boy she loved became what she hates, what she rejected magic to get away from. This adds a whole new dimension to her schoolgirl crush. I really think you should play more with this, as its such a fresh idea.

Those are some general comments. Please PM me if you have any more questions or what clarification on something I said. Also PLEASE KEEP WRITING THIS. Its a story that deserves to be told and youve laid some fascinating groundwork. Maybe you can convince me there are better romances that Dramione.

Also please forgive my lack of apostrophes. For some reason they arent being accepted when I try and write reviews. No idea why…

Author's Response: This has taken me far too long to get back to. I am so SO sorry!!

I'm incredibly glad that I've managed to get a couple of avid Dramione shippers on my side with this one! I'm definitely part of the canon brigade and Draco/Astoria is my new found love!

Wow! *blushes* thank you! I think it's really important to have a great start to your story and I am so glad that the first couple of lines just pulled you in. I was really trying to tell the story without it being too much like a report because I have that I had a lot of information to give out. I was hoping that writing about universal and slightly more personal feelings, and mixing it up with a little bit of slight humour would help!

YES! I was really hoping to get that right. Thank you so much :) I think you've brought up some really nice questions that can be both romantic and fun to write about. I could probably include those moments when I edit this or when I update this. You have some great points there.

I'm planning for this to be a short story. Maybe not more than five chapters. I have some of it written out, but I won't be updating this till I'm happy with what I've written.

I'll give this another read and see if I can weed out such clumsy phrases. Thank you for pointing that one out :) About the description, wow. That is a really nice thing to say! I've been experimenting with description a lot. I'm glad you enjoyed that part, I'll make sure I don't over do it in future!

again, you've given me some really nice thoughts to bounce off. I'm really enjoying your feedback, and this is another thing I'll look into while updating this one. I know that such an idea hasn't been really expressed before, but it goes in line with what I have in mind for her personality and we know that not all the purebloods joined Voldemort. There were blood traitors and those who remained neutral as well. Since I don't find much of a mention of that, I'm planning on exploring it further here :)

That is such a sweet thing to say :') I'll make sure I tell this story and I will always value readers like you! You've given me some GREAT feedback and pointers. Thank you so much :) Don't worry, I will keep writing this and probably someday, you'll find that there is something more than Dramione ;)

Thanks again! ^_^





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