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Review:Violet Gryfindor says:
Wow, I was not expecting that ending. Incredibly sad, but also very tastefully done, bringing together a lot of feeling with realistic detail that only enhances the effect. I think one of the things that makes it so sad is that one imagines that, with magic, one should be able to do so much more to cure disease and ailment, yet even magic has its limits, especially against an unknown disease. You're not afraid to show how Hugo's death in a long and painful process, and it's really important how you also show how he comes to terms with his fate - he's more courageous than most would be, but you made that crucial link between his death and those of Fred, Lily, and James. Hugo's death is just as important as theirs - if anything, he proves to be more courageous because he doesn't lose heart, never despairs throughout the terrible, drawn-out death he has to face. That's where your story is strongest: in demonstrating that you don't have to die in battle to be a hero.

Something that I think the story still needs work with is the narration. At the beginning, I was uncertain who was doing the telling - your narration hovered between omniscient and third-person limited, which resulted in more telling than was necessary. Once you add dialogue, the narrative flow improves and it was easier to fall under the story's spell. Is there a way of introducing Hugo's history of illness without relying on telling? What kind of narrative style are you working to achieve here? In the first line, for instance, is it necessary to add the ironically enough comment? It adds a strange tone that isn't carried through the rest of the story - it's too sarcastic and biting, and it threw me off because the ending is clearly tragic without any hint of irony. I hope that makes sense - setting the right mood for a story like this is crucial, and an important part of that is finding the right kind of narrative style.

This is a very original story and it, despite the sadness of the content, I really admire how you treated the subject matter - it's hard to write a story like this, and you made it work very well. :)

Author's Response: I'm going to start off by apologizing for taking so long and saying that I really appreciate this review.

Now that I think back on it, I agree with you and the fact that the narration really does need some work on it. I can definitely see where you're coming from with the point of view and such. I'll definitely go back and take another look at the beginning and switch things up so that everything flows smoothly.

Thank you so much for your criticism, it really was very helpful and I'll keep it in mind when I go back to edit. Thank you so much!


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