Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:marauderfan says:
Hello there! I'm (finally) here with your requested review - sorry about the delay.

This is a good start. I think you wrote Quidditch really well, a perfect mix of action and description. And I like the mystery you've built up around Lexi's sister. I can tell there's some sort of sad history there that perhaps explains Lexi's standoffish-ness.

As for characterisation - I've never seen Lily described that way, and I actually rather liked it. With your story I'm getting the feeling that Lily is still the nice girl that everyone likes, except for some reason Lexi doesn't. It makes a nice change. But I hope you go into that more later, in future chapters, because I'd love to know why Lexi doesn't like her, if there's some underlying reason.

I would watch out for Dumbledore, though. I know he is an impossibly difficult character to write, and I can never do it myself really - but his discussion with Lexi towards the end of the chapter seemed really OOC for him. The things that stood out the most to me were him calling her "Miss Lexi", and saying that he doesn't consider James intelligent. And the fact that the discussion was in the great hall, at breakfast. It just really didn't seem like Dumbledore to me. I think that sort of discussion wouldn't be in the hall, and I don't think he'd call another student unintelligent, it felt oddly like he was gossiping to her.

In terms of flow, I think the chapter is paced well, but I noticed that a lot of sentences start the same way, like this: Putting on mascara, I quickly left the bathroom to my groggy roommates and got dressed in my uniform as quickly as possible. Running down to the common room, I saw a large bronze clock on one of the mantels and was alarmed that it was seven in the morning.

A lot of your sentences start with a "ing" verb phrase which kind of implies that the action is happening at the same time as the event in the rest of the sentence, which certainly isn't the case with the first sentence because I don't think anyone can put on mascara and quickly leave a room at the same time :p I hope I made some sense here - long story short, if you vary the sentence structure it will flow better, and be careful about those types of "ing" phrases. So maybe something like this might work better, for example: "As soon as I finished putting on my mascara, I quickly left the bathroom..."

I hope I haven't sounded too harsh in this review. I really do think you've got a good opening chapter - some tension, mystery, and quidditch all rolled into one, so it's definitely not boring! An entertaining read for sure :) Great work on this!

Author's Response: Hi!
Okay...so...
Yay, I wrote quidditch well!
The Lily thing, basically no girl can be nice all the time, and in this Lily's case, she doesn't have the straightest record when it comes to keeping secrets. Explained in soon to be written chapters when she and James get more involved in the story.
Yes, Dumbledore is a big problem for me. I'm trying, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'll keep your advice in mind though when rereading and editing this chapter. It's really helpful.
The same start sentences I will also look out for, so thanks for pointing that out.
As for harshness level, I think it was slightly below too harsh. Bordering on it but falling back onto 'extremely helpful and constructively critical which is all this author could ever ask for', so even if you did sound harsh, I would probably just blow it off as 'I asked for a review and the story isn't even close to perfect so this reviewer is totally right to be harsh.'
But yay! Not boring!
Thank you so so so much!
MT :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 640
Submit Report: