I thought you did a really great job with this! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I expect you'll do really well in your challenge.
You made Lily and James feel like really comfortable characters. The casual sort of relationship they have contrasted with the fact that they're obviously still very smitten with one another really helped to bring them to life. I loved the edgy personae that you gave them with the music, the clothes and the shades. Ordinarily I don't think I would have liked James going by Jim or Jimmy, but Lily makes it sound really natural. The possibility that they might get to see Harry and the way Lily looks forward to it was also a really nice touch.
I'm impressed by the way you more or less invented this new branch of "angel magic" for your story. It all held together really well for me, although I did see one or two places where you slipped just a bit. For instance, I believe the reason James and Lily decided to take the bike was because they couldn't "angel apparate" into and out of the Burrow, but after they kidnap Ron and Hermione they do exactly that. Overall, though, you did a great job with it.
I liked the way that you kept Ron and Hermione pretty stubborn until the end. OK, I guess that by definition, the story was pretty much over as soon as they stopped being stubborn, but my point is that you paced it really well. For my tastes, you could have made the scenario that James and Lily create for them a little darker and more threatening, but I get that this was a humorous piece. Ron and Hermione responded pretty much exactly the way I'd expect Ron and Hermione to respond.
Kudos on your editing. I didn't see a single typo or grammatical problem as I was reading. The story had a nice flow to it and I thought your word choices made it really lively and vivid. There were a few references that didn't click with me -- I have no earthly idea what Fakers are -- but overall it was easy to follow.
Author's Response: Hey!
Ahh thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it after I'd plugged it so annoyingly everywhere haha. Eep I hope so - this challenge really made me flesh out the silly idea I had (of Jily being action-type angel matchmakers) and I've had a lot of fun with it.
Ooh I'm really glad they came across well, and easily relateable, because the scenario is so random that if they were too random, I just knew it'd fall apart! I've always imagined Jily in this kind of relationship but I wasn't sure how it would come across in writing; they're just too cute, I loved writing them as these awesome angel matchmakers. Ahh I was worried that'd come across too gimmicky, but I really loved writing them so rock-y! And having James as Jim/Jimmy, I seriously didn't like either at first, but I couldn't write Lily's voice without it. It just seems to fit the personalities I've written better than straight up Lily and James!
Ahh thanks! I just felt like there needed to be some other level for the pair of them to work on. Normal wizard magic gives too much away, and since Hermione's supposed to be so advanced at that form of magic, there needed to be this ability to get things done without their worrying or being constantly out of control (since it's supposed to be humourous, after all). Darn about that slip! Thanks for pointing it out - I completely missed that in my re-reads haha.
Yay! I'm such a massive stickler for both pace and Romione-canon that I am highly flattered by this. I was especially worried about flow, since I have a tendency to be extremely erratic when I write in fragments at different times, so I'm so glad it came together! And I know what you mean about it being darker, but I was worried about wordcount and also losing the humourous feel if I went too into it. Plus, Lily knew exactly what was happening and was in control, and I couldn't see her perpetrating too much darkness and fear.
No typos or grammar problems?! Awesome! Clearly my nit-picking has worked (for once) which is nice to hear. And I'm glad that the vocab was interesting, too -- I couldn't have Lily using too much mundane lingo, I wanted her more out-there so YAY. Oops, I had intended to reiterate that reference to Fakers; they're fake cigarettes, another branch of angel magic, but I'm so happy that you enjoyed it!
Thank you so much for this lovely review!