Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Unwritten Curse says:
Since the Prologue wasn't super substantial, I don't have much to say just yet. But I will respond to your areas of concern, and you're free to return to my request thread to get more feedback.

As far as your character, I have to admit, I'm not terribly attached to her. I did feel badly for her at two points: 1) when she realized she wouldn't be eating that night, and 2) when she mourned the loss of her cat friend. Other than that, she was a bit generic, just another person out on the streets. Perhaps if you added just a few more details about who she is, where she's from, her unique perspective of specific details of the world around her, even name the restaurant where she's waiting for scraps of food--details like this will help your readers to identify with her and therefore grow attached. We don't even know her name here, so it's hard to feel a connection.

I did like the last line. It was a clever way to end the chapter and that line alone is what makes me want to read on. Because I'm guessing it's McGonagall, but she's not listed as a character in this fic, so I'm intrigued. I'm wondering if Hermione somehow became an Animagus. I may be way off base here, but the fact that I'm questioning/want to know more is good!

Another suggestion is to watch out for too-long sentences. Some of your sentences are overly long and wordy, and I lose the sense of them before I've finished (your first sentence, for example). The sentences which were brief and to the point were the most effective in your story (ex: "There would be no food again tonight" BAM. Powerful). Not saying they should all be brief, because long sentences can flow quite nicely and hold a lot of power. Just be careful to not have too many/make sure that they are clear.

I don't mean to come across as disliking this prologue, because I didn't. I did enjoy it. Your writing is good and you've set up something quite interesting. I just like to give constructive criticism to help you grow as an author. (Plus it's hard to review just a Prologue) Again, please feel free to re-request and I'll gladly come back and read more. Once I get into the meat of the story, I'll hopefully be more helpful.

- Gina

Author's Response: Hi Gina!

I'm so sorry I'm such a slow responder to this wonderful review. Real life has kicked in like crazy now and I'm having a hard time keeping up. But thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this for me! I really appreciate it.

Thank you for being honest about not being very attached to my character right now. It is always good to hear the truth from reviewers. I did try very hard not to make her generic, but I was also trying to keep details back for revealing later. I guess I didn't quite get the balance right for you in this. Her name was one of those details I was withholding. Also, there's something about her that is revealed later on, but makes it so I didn't want to delve into her thoughts too much to the point conversation was required.

Still this is good information to know and I will make an effort to make my characters more filled out with details so people can relate to them better from here on out. I appreciate you pushing through this chapter even though you didn't particularly like her.

Yeah, glad you liked that last part. I guess one interesting line is better than none, right? Means there might still be hope for me and my story. hehehehe As for the cat, that is a very good guess. More will be revealed in the next chapter, though.

Watch for run on sentences - got it. Will also keep an eye out for those. I know some of my sentences get kind of long. That's my style, but I can work on changing it. :D

I know. Reviewing something so short and purposefully mysterious is difficult, so thanks for doing it. I will make sure to re-request when I can catch your thread open. You are a popular person!

Thanks again!
-Farmgirl


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 757
Submit Report: