Hello there, Iím here with your requested review!
I had a few issues with Siriusís dialogue as it was a little too girly for my liking at places. At the beginning of the chapter he says ĎI meaní which acts as a starter almost to the sentences. Boy, however, tend to be more blunt and cutting in a way so I would get rid of all the I means, as, and sos whenever it comes to his thoughts and dialogue to make it more masculine.
Siriusís sarcastic nature made me chuckle a lot throughout this chapter as it provided a lot of light humour which I found was needed. However, I would hasten to add that you shouldnít forget to add depth to his character too. At the moment, he seems a little too egotistical and lifeís great and less outward thinking. Remembering the war is going on, he is family issues, perhaps focus on his and Regulusís relationship in one chapter. It would add some nice depth to it.
The light joke about Sirius/serious made me laugh and seemed very Marauders-esque to me. Plus, it was nice for Peter to get the spotlight for a bit. The idea of the dares/bets was really interesting and I canít wait to see the effects of it. Though it is a little clichť, I have a feeling thereíll be a fresh new spin on it, and it will be nice to see whether it does or doesnít bring Alexandra and Sirius together or not.
I would try and include a little more variation at times. You started one line with ĎAnd as James had mentioned, Ď and the next with ĎAnd James did mention her figureí. It made it a little boring and monotonous so if you mixed it up a little it will be more interesting and varied.
Iím liking Remus and Peter a lot in this story. They both seem to have a more humorous part in this story which is different to how theyíre usually depicted and, therefore, a lot more interesting. Itís nice to see the characterisation mixed up a bit and go against the imposed fanon rules and Iím looking forward to reading more about them.
Remember to watch your dialogue punctuation at times! Here, í "Erm, I forgot my knickers in the bathroom!" Exclaimed Peter.í As the Ďexclaimed Peterí is a dialogue tag meaning part of the dialogue the exclaimed should have a lowercase e to denote that fact. At the moment, it appears to be separate which is incorrect. Itís quite an easy one to remember. Just think if itís describing someoneís speech makes sure itís lowercase even if a question mark or exclamation mark come beforehand.
Overall, I thought this was a good chapter, thereís just a few things which need to be reviewed about it :)
Author's Response: Hi!
First off, thank you for doing this!
Now, onto the review and everything it entails ;)
Ok, so for the Sirius-unmasculine issue, this is the first time I've heard that so *thank you* for pointing that out!!! I will look over and change that ASAP (or at least when I've finished my homework - extreme procrastinator at your service).
The sarcastic-happy going-Sirius thing is really just because that's who he is. Sure the war is going on (and it will get depressing and dark in later chapters), he's trying to be upbeat. It's like dementors. Light defeats the dark.
The bets, I have actually heard of it being clich√É¬© (and it *so* is), but hopefully the rest of my plot isn't :S It really isn't supposed to be all about the bet, but really the chaos it creates.
The punctuation I will definitely look for during my reread of the chapter, so thank you for pointing that out.
Thank you so much for this review, it was EXTREMELY helpful. I couldn't ask for any better.