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Review:LilyLou says:
Hey! I'm here with your reviews from taking third in my challenge, The Family Challenge!


This is a very interesting story so far, I must say. The plot is a great idea. I love when there's multiple stories in one! It makes you far more anxious for the next snippet of a certain character. I love Next Generation, too. It gives you loads of room to make things up.

So, one thing I'd like to point out is that your characterization is a WIP. You write James well in a sense that he is very protective; but you seem very vague with all of these characters.

Speaking of all these characters, I feel that you just threw every character in the book in my face far too quickly. It'd be better if you'd introduce the characters separately, or in little groups at a time. I was a bit confused. There were so many at once! And while there's nothing at all wrong with lots of characters, it is a burden and a lot to handle; you almost have to focus in on each individual and write them. You can't just throw in some names and say they're James' friends; it's quite easy to forget about who they are when the introduction is so insignificant.

Another problem is the rushing. You seem to rush through everything, and it limits the depth. This paragraph here particularly bothers me; everything happens in such a rush you leave the reader thinking, "Wait, what happened?" I had to read twice before fully comprehending what you said.

"Because Costa's a ginger." I replied with a flip of my hair. I then slammed right into someone. "Bloody hell," I rubbed my shoulder. I looked up into James Potter's hazel brown eyes and my eyes widened, "Sorry!" I squeaked before sprinting away dragging Darcy behind me. "Darcy, I just rammed into James Potter," I said beginning to hyperventilating.

Everyone loves depth in a story; it's what keeps a reader reading. So, I'd recommend adding in things like more characterization, dialogue, details, etc. into your story. It will definitely help.

Overall, this story has some true potential. I love it, honestly. I can't wait to see it grow into something amazing!

I hope I wasn't too harsh. You're an amazing writer.

Keep writing!

-Janelle

Author's Response: Awww thank you so much for all the compliments!! And honestly thank you for all the critiques! I really do appreciate it when people give me back constructive criticism! Haha!

But yeah I realize now that it was a lot of characters to just throw in the reader's face. It was easy enough for me to keep track, because I always had this humongous list of all the characters and a profile of them! Haha!

Well thank you for the review and the compliments!

-Sincerely, Ireland :)


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