|Review:||nott theodore says:|
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!
I think you've done a good job with this as an opening chapter to your story - honestly I wouldn't have known that this was your first fanfiction if you hadn't mentioned it in the author's note at the beginning. I enjoyed reading this!
Lexi's character has interested me from the beginning. I do think that you have to be careful with her characterisation here because some of the personality traits that she's displayed here could be considered a bit too perfect; she can play different positions, she breaks the Ravenclaw mould, she's better than average in all her classes and she's suddenly become pretty over the holidays. I'm sure that you'll introduce flaws and flesh out her character more in later chapters but do be careful about that. I like Lexi at the moment though!
Another thing that I'd be careful about is characterisation of some of the other canon characters, because a few of them seem a little OOC to me. Dumbledore to me is incredibly difficult to write, but at times his speech felt a little strange, and I'm not sure that I'd see him having such a conversation with Lexi in the Great Hall when people can notice it. I don't think it was necessary for him to keep repeating "Miss Lexi" once she'd already established that she doesn't want to be called Miss James, since we already know who he's speaking to. James's comment about the change in Lexi's appearance also felt a little OOC to me.
Having said that, I really liked what Dumbledore was saying to Lexi about her name. I can understand why she's chosen to use a different name to some extent - there's obviously something that's happened in the past with her father, and she doesn't want to be associated with him - and Dumbledore's response to it (with the sentiment) was very Dumbledore-ish. It actually reminded me of what he says to McGonagall about 'fear of a name'. I wonder if the change in her first name has anything to do with the fact that Amos seems to have called her Alexandra and she wants to disassociate herself from him.
There are lots of aspects here that I really enjoyed, especially with the way that you almost drip-fed the information, so that it didn't feel like an information overload at one point in the chapter. It makes it a lot easier to read and helps the chapter flow a lot better. There are a few sentences that start with a present participle, and I feel like if you reworded a couple of those it would flow even better.
Another element I really like here was the fact that you've introduced some subtle hints to things that have happened in the past and that are obviously affecting her at this point of time. The flashback with Amos was well written and I think so far you're handling a sensitive theme very well. There also seems to be something that's happened in the past with her father and I'm intrigued to know what that might be, as well as finding out more about what happened between Lexi and Amos; whether it was a one-off occurrence or if the problem was more extended and far-reaching. At any rate I'm pleased she's no longer with Amos!
I think I've seen a beta request on the forums for this story, and while I haven't spotted any major problems I think that it would be a good idea to get a beta. Another quick read through could probably help correct a few minor problems - misplaced commas and the like. As far as British slang is concerned, I think you've done well to write it into the time period. One thing I would pick up on is the use of the word 'sure, particularly at the beginning of sentences. It's something I still think of as quite American, and since this story takes place in the seventies it's a minor detail that could just stick out a little.
At the moment the rivalry between Lexi and the Marauders is interesting me; I can't work out whether it is solely founded on quidditch or if there's another underlying reason there. Lexi definitely seems very happy to hex them, which makes me think there must have been something else in the past. I was a little confused about the way Lexi talks about Lily; obviously she's angry at her because she thinks (I can't tell if she's right or not) she's told people about Amos. But the insults she's throwing out at Lily seem a little inconsistent with the way she's thought about her character beforehand.
Another aspect I really enjoyed was the way that you wrote the quidditch in this chapter. It's obviously going to play a big part in this story (judging from your summary) and even though the teams were only practising today, I really liked the way that you wrote that part and I found it really interesting.
Overall I think you've got a great first chapter here and with a few changes it could be even better. I hope that you found this review was helpful, and please feel free to re-request!
Author's Response: Hi!
Sorry for the late reply.
Got sick and didn't want to reply unless I analyzed everything and worked on everything I should work on.
Anyways, thanks so much.
First, I've heard that the 'perfectness' of my OC is something I probably shouldn't do, but I do give her some flaws in later chapters (eating her feelings, commitment issues, stubbornness, overall pig headed-ness, the like).
As for the OOCing, I'm working on that :S It's a *big* problem for me.
As for the overall rewording of certain sentences, I'm trying my best to reread these as critically as possible, and hopefully I can get those sorted out.
The 'sure' problem is not one I've heard before so thank you so much for bringing that up. I will make sure to target that during my run over of chapter.
The thing with Lily is something that will come up later on, but basically, anger issues and previous occurrences.
And YAY! you thought the quidditch was good! Thanks so much! It's a big part of the story, and I'm hoping at least two more chapters dedicated to that (I already have one), so it's good to know I'm not bombing that :)
Finally, I would like to say this was *extremely* helpful, your criticism was on point and I absolutely loved your approach when telling me things you didn't quite like.
As for a re-request, I will feel free to do so ASAP (or, As Soon As I Have My Homework Done - ASAIHMHD)
Thanks so much!