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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello! I’m here with your requested review!

At the beginning you put ‘(Lexi's POV)’ which meant it didn’t really stand out and I almost skimmed over it. Perhaps if you got rid of the brackets and put it in bold it would be better :)

This didn’t make all that much sense to me ‘I sighed, the familiar smell of grass and wood filling my nose. ‘ if she sighs that’s with her mouth not her nose so I don’t get the link with that filling her nose, so perhaps if you put I breathed in it would make more sense.

I would be a little careful with Lexi’s characterisation at the moment because she’s coming off a little too perfect. With the way she was the one who broke Ravenclaw’s mould, could be a Beater or Seeker and her best friend was well connected. Make sure she’s just not perfect as that tends to happen a lot in Sirius/OC stories so as long as she’s like a normal person it’s fine, and not some person who aces everything.

One thing I liked was how you provided a detailed backstory without me getting too bored. What worked was how you related the details to what was going on around Lexi so I had a sensory as well as visual detail and that helped me remember who was who and how they all connected up.

This line ‘You're pimply Alexandra? That puny little seeker from last year? My, my. Girl, you've filled out. In all the right places I might add.’ Made James seem a bit too OOC. I think it was the whole girl thing. We don’t tend to say that and it made James sound a little strange. So maybe ‘You’re pimply Alexander? The puny seeker from last year? Merlin, you’ve changed…a lot.’ it sounds a little less strange and more wizardy. I mean, you don’t have to do it it’s just an idea.

I liked the flashback as it was really effective in conveying information. It was nice that you used a canon character to make it more relatable and I’m intrigued to see how Amos continues to appear in the story. Also the intervention with Lily was interesting and I have a feeling the repercussions will continued to be felt.

One thing I don’t get is why Lexi feels this animosity towards Sirius and why he returns it. I mean, I understand the whole Quidditch rivalry but I feel as if there’s either something not yet revealed or the hate is out of nothing. I sincerely hope for the former, and if that’s the case I’m intrigued to know what it is.

I noticed you start a lot of your sentences like this ‘Groaning, I sat up a’ and ‘Getting in the shower, I washed off ‘. Perhaps mix it up by not starting with an ing word and comma but do the reverse or a completely new structure to stop it feeling repetitive.

I hope this review wasn’t too harsh, I was just trying to give the best advice I could!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi!

Quickly want to say that this was not too harsh in the least. I really needed that!
It was very informative and critical, but helpful, and just thank you so much.
Taking your notes into consideration right now as I reread the chapter and make tiny corrections and changes. Thanks so much, again!

Maraudertimes

P.S. I will probably request another review as this was *super* helpful. Your advice is top-notch. You really know what you're talking about! :)


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