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Review:AlexFan says:
Oh my good golly gosh it's been a while since I read this story!

I'm commenting as I go so this may be a little bit longer than I thought it would be.

But anyway, straight off I can tell that this is going to be better than the other chapters. I can see that there's going to be more description and things are going to be slowed down and such.

The description that you provided of the couples making out had me cringing and shuddering and wanting to puke. Congratulations on that. And they were doing it with food too, I feel like they've just defiled food by using it the way that they were.

I've noticed that you've got some grammar and punctuation errors. It's things like names not being capitilized and periods in places that they shouldn't be. There were also some sentences that had words in them that they shouldn't have and made it difficult to read because they were slightly confusing.

Things like,

I see that he's one a boy from James' year

He grins and at and says

And while you have slowed down the scenes a little bit I would suggest slowing them down even more. It seems like Rose, Pat and Lucas have only arrived on the pitch and then one minute later, they're leaving again.

And I would suggest fixing this part When I see Pat or Lucas. More specifically, I mean changing the OR to AND because the sentence currently reads like only one of them was there when in fact Pat and Lucas were both there.

Your transitions need some work as well because your scenes cut off abruptly instead of moving on to the next one.

Other than the things that I mentioned though, you're definitely improving.
~Grace

Author's Response: Hello Grace. Always nice to have you here :)

As long as you want! I have no issue.

I'm glad that you sense some improvement in that regard. I've really had some issues with transitions and stuff in this story for some reason. I don't quite know why. However, whenever I get back to this story, there's always an emotional cocktail stirring up inside me. I think I'm going to edit the whole thing sometime :P

Thanks for pointing out the issues with this. I wrote it quite late and then posted it just after one reading at 2.A.M (I know I know... How stupid of me!), but I was really excited to be finally updating this one.

All errors will be fixed and story will be tweaked. Promise :)

Thanks again!


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