Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:BLONDEbehaviour says:
Hi Kiana! Grace (BLONDEbehaviour) here with your requested review!

This is a really interesting start! I am liking how we are given a grown-up Rose, different from the Roses that I usually read, that are sill in Hogwarts, so that has definitely got my attention :)

In regards to the areas of concern you noted down..
I think you have done well suspense-wise in this first chapter, so I wouldn't worry too much. It can be easy to overwhelm the reader in the first chapter, but you have done the balancing act of interest:information ratio well. I know I am intrigued to see how her trip goes.

It may be different for others, but I know I can definitely relate to Roses' need to better herself. I myself come from a large and successful family, and it can be hard to live up the expectations of family members, especially if that means succeeding higher than the norm. I think you did a great job in reflecting that idea. Hopefully that was kind of the idea you were going for!

"Yet, as much as she wanted to show she was an individual there was always that part of her which held her back, so the copper burnt on."- this was a fantastic sentence, I just had to tell you this. Truly, truly loved the metaphor.

Your description for the most part was good. You described Rose and the situation very well. Maybe a little more description on her office/room itself would help aid the story, but apart from that, I could not see anything that needed improving.

Just a few grammar/spelling spots I noticed. In the sentence "Perhaps if she was discovering the latest breakthrough it would match her parents' sucesses." your sucesesses needs an extra 'c' (successes).
Also, the sentence "Giving that Uncle Harry had to pick his wife up was a proof of how bad it had gotten". There is no need for the 'a' between 'was' and 'proof'. You may even be able to change 'giving' to 'given'.
One last sentence! "Iím meant to be at dinner with my wife, so I should make a move for it" I don't know how colloquial you want Pierston to sound, but "make a move on" would probably suffice :)

All i all, an interesting start! You've done a great job :) Feel free to re-request, I'd love to know where you take it :)

Please respond to this review, thanks :)


Author's Response: Hey Grace! And wow what that quick, you're making me feel bad now!

I'm so glad that you found this different to other stories as that was probably my biggest aim when I decided to write this.

Yay for the ratio! It's such a horrible one but one that you need to adhere to so much to make a good start. I'm also glad that you found Rose relateable as it's another really hard to stick to so I was trying really hard in here to do that. I'm from a family like that too so I know how both of you feel too :P

Aw, thank you! I really liked that line too. ♥

Reading it back over I know what you mean about the lack of descriptions in relation to the office so I'll head back over there and add some more in as it is a little sparse now.

Thanks for pointing those parts out. No matter how many times I read it I still fail to capture all over the errors. I guess there's no such thing as too many read throughs.

Thanks for this really helpful review, I'll be re-requesting asap!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 410
Submit Report: