Why hello there. It's Lucky from the forums! I am months late in getting this review out, so I will make it extra special! :D
Comments & Quotes:
"You know your life ain’t normal when you can see dead people."
-Well, that is a great way to open the chapter. It's not boring or cliché. It makes me think….'hot darn!' Confetti for you!
"“It’s Ellie, actually,” I’d informed her, with about as much haughtiness a five-year-old in her nightie could muster."
-Just yes. Lol. She's adorable and you have a unique humor. :) I'll talk about child characterization in a minute. But you're doing a pretty good job.
"No one could make the adventures of Perseus, slayer of Medusa, sound as exciting as him."
-Nice allusion. ;) lol. Whether you're referring to Percy Jackson and the Olympians, or something else, I'm still a happy camper.
"I wasn’t bouncing with excitement anymore."
-This just really struck me. You can see, that even as a small child, Ellie really understands how chilling this is. What's a magic story without a good paradigm shift?:)
"Unimaginative names aside, the little virus was damn deadly, mutating within hours of infecting a person, so that the Healers had barely designed a cure for one strain that another popped up."
-Mind the fourth wall, love. Lol.
"It was almost as if when Mum died, what little contact his feet had to the ground was lost, so that maybe, he could be closer to her, wherever she was."
-Agh! You're making me have emotions. Good job.
"“And like you’re going to stop me, Anderson?” he smirked."
-I ship it. They shall be Ellalie.
“Are males physically incapable of getting a bloody glass?” I muttered in disgust."
-Unfortunately, I think so. -_-
"Didn’t his ….or something freeze off?.
I eyed his chest suspiciously, wondering if he was still in possession of both his . Perhaps they’d fallen off early on in his career, and it was not an issue anymore?"
-At first I laughed because of his …... freezing off. Then I laughed at the 'or something'. Brilliant. Lol
"“Yes.” Madame Cassandra opened her eyes and finally let go of my hand. “And they’ve already met. Two souls who have known each other for a very long time.”
-I'm officially on this bandwagon. Seriously. Ellie and Al forever.
So yay! I really like this! You are a talented writer. You can display some great humor and some genuinely chilling, or momentous moments all in the same bit of writing. Go you!
Your Areas of Concern:
Characterization: 10/10 I love all of your characters. They vary, and they have a note of genuinity to me. Ellie is by no means a Mary Sue and she has this gift, but there is an authentic, non obnoxious ring to it. She's great. Ellie's father and brother seem just as well written. I love Ellie's friendship with Rose, and I already adore Al. :)
Dialogue: 10/10 I can see Ellie as more of an internal character, not saying everything that crosses her mind (which makes her way more realistic). But I really wish that she'd voiced some her mental jibes, because they were downright funny.
Descriptions: 9/10 You are much better at this than I am. I get so caught up in dialogue and mental descriptions that I ignore scenery. You do get it all in there, but you could go further with scenery and facial expressions. Just a nit pick. ;)
In General, I really adore this story. Seriously. I'm going to read the whole thing. Lol. You should request reviews so you don't get my shorter versions. ;)
Standard Issue and Ever Dreaded Criticism:
I have 2 problems here and they are both small and probably insignificant.
1. This isn't even really a problem, so much as a personal thing. I am not a fan of 'ain't'. But I know that some people say it. So it's realistic for there to be characters who say it. However, it's a very huge pet peeve of mine, so I had to let it out.
2. This is very minor, but your 5 year old Ellie is a wee bit too mature. I work at a daycare in the summer months, so I can be useful to you! :) Basically, just take her down a notch on the maturity scale. There were parts where you nailed it, but her vocab is a wee bit too expansive. 5 year olds don't always make sense. They switch tenses, and say weird things.
Honestly, those were VERY SMALL PROBLEMS. So pay more attention to this: I LOVE YOUR STORY. Love. Not like. So confetti for you!! Seriously, great work. Come back any time for another Spendiferously Fantacular review. ;)
P.S They wouldn't let me post the review because I talked about n.i.p.p.l.e.s lol. So that was amusing.
Author's Response: I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS. Wow. This is just... amazing. Thank you so much. I don't even know where to begin answering this, it is THAT awesome a review.
I'm glad that you enjoy some of the one-liners. I thought I was overdoing it at times, but I'm glad that it doesn't seem that way. I purposefully bumped into the fourth wall, there. It's something I wanted to do with Ellie's character, as an aspect of her self-awareness, but I can see how it may seem a little... iffy.
Mentioning Perseus IS a reference to Percy Jackson (and happy camper? I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE).
That is funny that a completely innocent body part is not 12+! That was a re-write addition. I'm glad it made you giggle. I had a lot of fun with it.
You have a ship name? That is the best! I used to be on this bandwagon 110%, but recently, I've been having mixed feelings about these two, so no promises... and the prediction is still applicable if Ellie and Al aren't endgame.
:DD Score on characterisation and dialogue! I'm so lucky that dialogue for this story comes as easily as it does, and that Ellie is quite easy to write. You have her sussed out pretty much spot on. I hope to give her opportunities to voice her jibes soon, though. They;re too much fun NOT to have others react to them.
The description was something I really worked on when I edited this chapter. I'm glad that you think it was done well. Obviously, it has some way to go, but I'm so happy it's getting there.
Criticism should never be dreaded! I don't really like the word ain't either, but it seemed to fit well here, so that's why I use it.
Thanks for the feedback on young Ellie! I really like your suggestions about her syntax.
Hahaha! I'll be sure to re-request when a spot opens up. Thanks for this!