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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there - sorry about the slight delay between the last one and this one. Things have been a little busy for me in the last few days :)

I really enjoyed this one! While it was more of a filler chapter, stories need those, you know, and this did it perfectly. I liked how you introduced her trying to find out information about Azkaban and her father (incidentally, while I remember, that phrase should be 'looking for anything about Azkaban or my father' since she's looking for both terms, I assume ;D), and something's obviously up with Yaxley Snr's promotion, and Ethan and Giles fighting over it. I'm curious to see what the repercussions will be...

Character-wise this was great, as usual. You're still showing us different sides of Isabella - that she's studious when she wants to know something, a very Ravenclaw-like trait, but she's also conniving and manipulative when she wants to be, as well. I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop her further in the future :)

Giles and Ethan are adorable already and it's only a few chapters in :) I would say, though, with their fight, that to make the fight seem a bit more important - if, indeed, it is important for plot - to perhaps make it more obvious that they don't fight often, or not like this or something. Maybe you do that next chapter, I dunno, but it might be something to think about - just making it seem more unusual for them to fight. But yeah, they're both such good characters and I liked the little details about both of them - how Ethan is so passionate about Quidditch, how Giles subscribes to every newspaper in wizarding Britain. They were really nice touches!

In terms of grammar, there were a few things I picked up on. The first one is that you're really not using ellipses (...) correctly. You seem to put them in when a character pauses in speech, which isn't correct. They're used for building tension (I use them to indicate loss or change of train of thought, or trailing off, as well) but they're not really just for noting a pause. Most of them can just be changed to other punctuation easily, like a comma or a semi-colon or full stop, so I'd just have a look at that again. The second thing is that the paragraph where you talk about Jessica Atwood is very disjointed. It feels very broken, and sort of pieced-together, if that makes sense. Again, I'd have another look at it and rephrase and structure it. It's a really nice insight into Evander's character, and says something about Isabella's character as well, so it's kinda a shame, you know? But yeah, both definitely fixable, just the second I get is a bit more complicated. If you want some advice or help with restructuring, pm me and ask - I'm happy to offer it ;)

Apart from those, I think this is going really well so far. The plot is both familiar with the HP-style way of writing and journey through the year, and then completely new with seeing it from the other side, the characters are great and are starting to get pretty fleshed-out, and it's all coming along well!

Aph xx

Author's Response:

I know, I love Giles and Ethan too :) I have a lot planned for them and yes, their fight is explained more in upcoming chapters. As for Isabelle, she definitely has both Ravenclaw and Slytherin tendencies so it makes her fun to write.

I had no idea about ellipses and that I was using them wrong--thanks for pointing that out! I do see what you mean about Atwood portion. I will look into re-writing that.

Thanks again for such a helpful review :)


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