Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums!
I think this is a good start to your story. I like the plot idea, and the way you've set the scene in this first chapter is interesting. I liked how you've given the Battle of Hogwarts your own spin. The way you have executed all the drama is nice and I could easily get absorbed in the story which is great. Your narrative is indeed intriguing.
Characterisation wise, both Hermione and Draco seem a little out of character but I think that is acceptable since it's fan-fiction and a DraMione, and you're the author so you can mould your characters the way you want them to be. My suggestion however would be to give more insight into Draco and Hermione's thoughts so we can understand their state of mind and can relate with them.
As for the pace, I did feel that things moved a little too quickly from the first segment to the second. Also, the battle scene happened a little too quickly as well - especially the way Hermione went up to Draco and talked to him. I think a good way to ease it all up would be too include more descriptions and detail of surroundings and appearances, of what is going on around Hermione and Draco, and what they see, before going on to what they do - that way the events won't be affected but it won't seem like you're moving too fast either.
Apart from that, there were a few grammar errors here and there, and some of your sentences were worded slightly awkwardly, but that is not so much of a big deal. I think a thorough re-read or getting a beta can fix that.
I do like the story idea though, it is very interesting and unique. Your writing style is also dramatic and heightens the emotions which is awesome. I could really feel for Draco, the way he was confused on how to act, and especially when he was wondering "which side will kill him first". The story is definitely headed in a good direction and this was a great opening chapter. With some more polishing, it would be perfect.
Good job! Keep writing!
Author's Response: Hi there AD! Thank you for reviewing! :)
I am very glad that you like the plot so far! I needed to change the Battle so that I could incorporate the rest of the plot, so I am glad that it worked, and the drama has been set out right and easy to be absorbed in. Yay!
I have tried to keep to canon mostly with them, I know there will be small differences, some which I will be changing, but as you said, it is fan fiction, and I believe that gives us a bit of space to play :) I will definitely look into giving them more insight, description is not my strong point, but it is something I am looking into :)
I have had a few comments about the pace, which is why it is something I ask people about so I can get a more broad look, so I am going to look into changing that, and adding more to sow the pace down, and extend the battle a bit more, so it is not just Draco and Hermione's confrontation then battle. Hopefully that'll help.
I just acquired a beta a few days ago and she is looking into this chapter for me, so hopefully she will help fix up some of the mistakes :)
I am really really glad that you think my story idea is good! I wanted to pick up a new and exciting idea and see where it went, and hopefully I will take it far. Same, I really feel for him, he is in a horrible position and he has no idea what to do about it. Hopefully he will find himself soon.
Oh that's good! I will hopefully continue it in a good direction and get a great story out of it :)
Thank you! And thank you for reviewing!!