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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there - sorry about the wait! Things have been busy for me in the last couple of days, but I'm here now!

I like the idea of this - that a bunch of Death Eaters would flee the battle when they realise that they're losing, and go somewhere abroad is more than plausible, and Albania is a good choice since we know the Dark Lord went there, so there is at least some reason for the connection. I'm curious to see how you go with it - what kind of girl Isabelle grows into, how you present the Knights...

Incidentally, and I don't know if this is what you mean by 'Knights', the Death Eaters were originally called the Knights of Walpurgis. If it is what you mean, it's a clever idea for them to go back to a previous name now their leader's gone, and if not, then a nice coincidence ;)

I like Abner's character (there's not really enough of Isabelle's personality in this for me to really comment on her). I like that he loves his wife and likes the nanny and adores his daughter - it makes him very human, rather than just cold and uncaring, you know? Avoids Death Eater cliches. I also like how you made them devoted to the cause itself, and so dedicated, and aware of the costs of failure and suchlike - it really adds to the layers of the character.

One thing I did think was that at the beginning, you could do with showing not telling. I mean, you say that the air is thick with magic - well, what does that feel like to them? Can they feel it? Is the air heavy, does it feel static, can they hear a whisper, like wind, as they move through it? It just reads a bit flat at the moment. Also, while it's good at showing they're very much in love, you contradict yourself later by saying that they're captivated totally by each other, despite the hugely strong magic they can feel. Even if they're focusing on each other, if the magic is that strong, surely they'd be able to feel it? Personally, since you're reiterating the point, I'd cut out the bit about 'even in the presence of magic so strong', or something just to make it a bit smoother and keep the focus on them. Just maybe something to think about ;)

I liked the way you wrote it, as well - you kept a good balance of description and action, and I liked how you made Isabelle as aware as a child of about six would be and have her understand that her mother's dead. Kids do understand that, and what it means, so her reaction was good. I'm not sure why she screams, though, it seems a bit weird, tbh... maybe burst into tears would be better? Also, I like that you mention that her dad thinks she's beautiful - dads always do, you know? and again it makes him human - but perhaps a 'rare beauty' is going a bit far? She's six, I mean - sure, she'll be pretty and beautiful perhaps when she grows up, but it seems an odd thing to say about a six year old, to me. Then again, that might just be me!

I loved the little mention of the drunk muggle who'd seen the goings-on at the stone circle. It was nice to have some idea of what had happened, even if we don't know anything, and it's definitely making me curious to read on!

I love the idea, Abner is a fantastic character, your writing is great - just a few things you might want to look at again - pace is good... all in all, this is a really good start! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hey there!

You're the first person to pick up on the origin of the Knights. That is where I got the inspiration :)

I'm really glad you like Abner too! I haven't gotten a lot of feedback on him so that's always nice to hear! In a few chapters he is going to come back in and I'm quite excited to write him again.

Thanks for the ccs, you've made me aware of some things that I never even thought about before! I'll definitely take those into considerations when I do more editing.

Thanks so much, your review was really helpful and I appreciate it :)



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