I feel a bit guilty picking through someone else's work, but it is fun. I only intended to point out typos but ended up going overboard on grammar... sorry about that.
He felt even more tired than he HAD when he HAD GONE to sleep - the past few weeks had been a nightmare.
Mercifully, the Minister for Magic, Kingsley Shaklebolt, had given the AURORS who he...
(No apostrophe in this situation, plus exact wording of the Minister for Magic's title for HP geeks)
He WONDERED if all mothers... or WHETHER he HAD just got lucky AND HAD MARRIED a woman...
(This is a really picky bit of tense changing, plus a typo correction)
He heard her stop and go DOWNSTAIRS, probably to feed Albus, and he WONDERED whether he should go down after her; but at that...
(The 'downstairs' is picky, and may depend where you're from. I use downstairs but down stairs is probably perfectly valid. Plus a small typo again)
"Kreacher is sorry, Master Potter, but KREACHER must obey..."
(Just a typo)
THEN SOMETHING cold hit...
(The "sheer" is a nice effective word, but unfortunately doesn't quite seem to fit the context here)
...the bed and DISAPPARATED downstairs.
...he had everything, picked up his Mokeskin pouch and hung it round his neck. It had been made bigger on the inside thanks to an Undetectable Extension Charm by Hermione. He checked inside to see a small pile of GALLEONS, among which was the fake D.A. GALLEON he, like the other members, kept on him (at all times?); a sneakoscope: a device which activated and span around whenever someone untrustworthy was around; and a small two-way mirror...
(The animal is the Moke - saying 'Mokeskin hide pouch' is like talking about a 'Moke skin skin pouch. I did have to check this!)
(semicolon can be used correctly in complex lists like this. (Also, how does he avoid spending the fake galleon? Imaginative answers welcome!))
...buttered toast FOR his two-year-old son, James. "Good Morning, James," he said to his son who had his mouth full of toast...
"Try to be home on time tonight. Remember, Mum and Dad are coming for dinner and I don't want to HAVE to wait up for you... again."
(I've switched the word order around but it's probably personal preference)
"...who he's supporting - his sister or his team."
(or)"...who he's supporting: his sister or his team."
Harry knew for a fact that since Ginny HAD joined the Holyhead Harpies four years ago, Ron's precious team, the Chudley Cannons, hadn't won a match against them. EVEN now that they had finally made it to the finals, Chudley Cannon fans were not getting their hopes up.
(I think this makes more sense but again that's just my opinion)
... rounded face, whom Harry had
"Oh, Naomi!" Harry called as he...
Naomi looked DOWNTRODDEN (or crestfallen, or disappointed?).
... his office, and sure enough...
"Draco!" Harry said pleasantly. "And what..."
"It's my father," Draco said. "I was WONDERING whether the Ministry had taken him IN for more questioning." Harry looked puzzled - if the Ministry...
(Just a typo, and the 'in' seems to be the norm in this type of situation)
"As I'm sure you know," Draco said almost bitterly, though not enough to sound rude, "We've been...come with us. WHEN WE got back..."
"Come with me," Harry said, getting up...
...on his table. Harry knew THIS to be a Glass Viewer: a sort of magical version of a CCTV screen, a new magical invention ... other end. "Seamus!" Harry called "What's the position of Lucius Malfoy?"
"Hello to you too," Seamus replied.
...hang on." He pulled...
At once an image appeared of Lucius lying on his bed.
(slight change of word order)
"Ostendo Statua." The figure of MALFOY started to go backwards - they saw him...
(A typo and a change of punctuation)(did you look up the Latin yourself? Very impressive.)
... Draco wasn't lying - he had seen...
I love your plot writing - I really struggle to come up with the original stuff. Again, I've picked out quite a lot but most of it is small stuff, especially punctuation. (I had a very good English teacher otherwise I wouldn't know a lot of these rules). In a few places you have very long sentences - short ones are more effective. One hint when you're writing on this site - be really careful of your technical Harry Potter terms. I always check the spelling of anything that isn't REALLY obvious, just in case it's weird. I love the way you've done your research on some of the more obscure facts, though. And it's nice to see someone who doesn't avoid the word 'said' - it is quite sufficient for most situations.
This takes longer than I thought - I think I'll leave the story for now. In fact really it's a couple of repeating themes that come up again and again, so it's not as bad as it looks. Most of this is punctuation, and to be honest there are too many rules anyway.
Sorry again for being so picky - I'm like Hermione Granger, an insufferable know-it-all!
Author's Response: HAHA! Wow, I bet your English teacher would be proud! :D
I wrote this over a year ago when I first started writing so I know there are still (rather horrible) typos in the earlier chapters, despite later editing, that I haven't been able to get to. (not that that's an excuse).
The main reason I started writing was to improve on my grammar skills while keeping my creative juices going (I work in a very creative industry) so the corrections really do help.
I really appreciate the feedback and I hope you comment on the later chapters when they're released.
Glad you're enjoying the story anyway!
And yes! For what few original spells I use in the series, I always make sure they're Latin friendly haha :)