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Review:Debra20 says:
Hey there! I'm here with your requested review :)

First of all, let me tell you that the concept of the story is an interesting one. It's certainly original and if developed properly, it can be held as a great device to bring Draco and Hermione together.

Now, I'll address the concerns you asked me to especially look out for in my thread. The flow of the story is quite okai, especially considering that the major part of the chapter takes place during a battle, but I would insist a little more on description if I were you. Even if the flow is al right, there are parts where it seems a bit rushed. For example, you could take more time and explore Hermione's feelings as she sees Hogwarts destroyed. Is she afraid? Is she confused where to go, what to do? Does she fear for her friends and teachers? Or Draco. We know that for the major part of his sixth year he was an agent of Lord Voldemort's. What does he feel now fighting for the other side? Is he terrified that he will be struck down by one of the Death Eaters as a traitor?

Which brings me to your next concern, characterisation. I think for the most part your characterisation is handled well, except some moments that I thought were out of character for some of them. For example, we know McGonagall to be a very strict, stern woman who does not have any particular sympathy for the Slytherins, especially Malfoy who is the first direct cause Dumbledore is dead. So that's why I find it difficult to believe that she would plead for him to assist them in the upcoming battle. If anything, she'd banish him as far as possible.

Hermione - for the most part she is very in character. We see she is brave when fighting the Death Eaters and you portrayed her close connection with Harry in a very sweet way, with him reassuring her like that. However, there are some points that I would either scratch off, or otherwise modify them. For starters, there is not a single moment in canon when we're lead to believe that Hermione was living a hell at home. If anything, she was one of the lucky ones who had two loving and understanding parents. Also, even if we know she is a very brave young woman, I just can't see her being this bold in regards to Voldemort. Even if she uses his name starting Order of the Phoenix, she has always shown a deep respect and rather fearful shyness when it came to him. She was always the cautious one when it came to the Dark Lord, so I think you can understand why I can't really see her referring to him like that.

Also, I have a very hard time believing that Harry would use the Killing Curse against anyone. He didn't used it against Bellatrix when she killed Sirius, I don't think he'd use it any other time. There is a moment when he almost makes use of it, when he is following Snape at the end of HBP, but that was because he had just witnessed him kill Dumbledore. He is furious and hurt and feels that the Professor trusted Snape too much, which led him to his untimely death. His feelings are turned upside down and that's why he uses it. But you made it sound like Harry was casually throwing the Curse in between Stunning spells and such.

As far as spelling, punctuation there are some small mistakes here and there (for example, "their determined looks on their faces" should be "the determined looks on their faces"), but nothing that couldn't be adjusted with another thorough read.

All in all, it's a pretty good start to your story. You have the right premises. The only part I'm advising you to be extra careful with is characterisation.

Hope this review was helpful enough! :)
- Debra20

Author's Response: Wow, what a long review! Thank you for taking the time to write so intricately about the chapter!

Thank you for that, i really do hope that my ideas take the story in the right direction and creates a gripping and enjoyable story :)

I understand where you are coming from with the description. It has always been my biggest weakness, and when i get my other stories' chapter up for validation once this stories third chapter is done i am going to go back and look at this chapter, because i'm still not happy with it, and will try and incorporate more description into it.

I believe that of Professor McGonagall as well (I'd fear having her as a teacher!) but i just believed that in such a stressful time she would try to see the best in people, including Malfoy. I believe she would see his attendance back at Hogwarts as one of a step away from the death eater scenario, but who knows?

I'm glad you like Harry and Hermione's connection- Their friendship, and that of theirs with Ron also, plays a big role in this story, and I want to make sure that is portrayed. In regards to Hermione's hell at home, I know that some people assume it to be domestic abuse. It isn't in that respect, Hermiones parent's love for her is still as strong as seen in the books. Its a different type of hell that is revealed in later chapters. I don't know if it will be an overly huge factor, and i will be looking at seeing if its worth cutting out or not. In reagrds to the Voldemort thing, i'd never thought about it in perspective, so thank you for clearing that up, i will change it when i go back and edit :)

I ohed and ahed over Harry using the Killing Curse for ages, i even wrote a pro and con list about it, but i decided to leave it in there. Purely because i think that being in a battle such as that would change peoples perspective. However i did not mean for it to sound like it was a spell he used often in the battle, so perhaps i should rewrite that bit to make it more clearer.

Oh awesome, thank you for pointing that out! Will go back and change those when i re-edit.

Thank you for a fantastic review! You have done a brilliant job and i have now picked up on things that will hopefully make my story better :)

Blondie


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