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Review:StellaRose says:
Hello! It's Emmy here with your review :)

What an intriguing story! Your plot is wonderful and I think using the Pied Piper of Hamelin is absolutely brilliant, it really is. You've set up the plot so well that I'm really excited to read more and see how your story is going to unfold!

The only negative thing I noticed was that some of your sentences are a bit lengthy and tend to be run ons. For example, look at the first sentence of the first paragraph. The first part is great but when you get to 'empty assembly' you lose me completely.

The first twelve paragraphs or the very beginning of your story is where, as a reader, I was a little bored (sorry to be blunt). I'm only telling you this because once I got past the first part I was BLOWN AWAY by your plot and couldn't wait to get reading! It's important to tell the background story but I think some of that can come later on. Make sure to draw your reader in right away and make them want to read more.

This quote is wonderful, 'Not quite history, less than a legend'. Brilliant!

I also loved how you introduced Trip and explained muggle borns. That was really well done. You've explored so many different things with this era and brought up a lot of thought provoking pieces.

Showing the garden snake overhearing everything was really great. It made me stop and think about it and try and figure it out! It was also foreshadowing, which is lots of great planning on your part!

Lastly, your pied piper is so perfectly cast. Slytherin's heir and using the snake...gah! perfect. Like I said, you have a fascinating start and I'm excited to see how you put everything together!

I really enjoyed your chapter and think you have SO much potential with this story. Feel free to request again :)

--Emmy

Author's Response: Hello! :) Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this really kind review, and I'm sorry for taking this long to respond!

I'm glad you liked the story and thought the plot went well. The inspiration for the story came from a challenge, but the plot of the Founders in my head fit weirdly perfectly with the Pied Piper story, making it so much fun to write!

Those are excellent criticisms, and I hope to go back and clean up this chapter when I get a chance. I certainly do have a habit of dragging on with long sentences and descriptions, and it's hard to realize when I'm doing it, so thank you for pointing these things out! :) I'm actually so glad you like the plot since I was worried it wouldn't appeal as much to readers, and the following chapter is mostly about continuing that plot and character development. :)

I really wanted to situate the story well into the history of the wizarding world, so I'm pleased you think it did a good job of addressing things such as Muggleborns. Tying the story into what we know of this era from canon is quite challenging, but also rewarding to work on.

Ah, I thought the son of Slytherin would be a perfect Piper, and I actually love coming up with Stephane's character. Snakes are the perfect symbols and plot devices for these Slytherin men, and I'm glad you noticed that as well as the foreshadowing.

Thank you so much for leaving this thoughtful and helpful review my dear! :) I loved getting your feedback, and I hope you don't mind if I re-request! :D


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