Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Lululuna says:
Hi there! I'm finally here for the review you requested ages ago, and I'm so sorry for taking this long. RL has been trampling all over me, but finally here now! :)

First of all, I think your story is still progressing naturally and flowing well. I like how you've so far divided the chapters into important moments of a first year, like leaving the house to go to Hogwarts, being on the Hogwarts Express, and finally the Sorting Ceremony. Evie is a great character, and I feel like I've gotten to know her a bit better. Her little observations and asides in italics really help get a good sense of her voice. Her sassiness towards the Sorting Hat was quite entertaining as well. The sibling relationship seemed very sweet, and typical of the brother-sister relationship. :)

It's interesting how Evie actually wants to be in Slytherin, considering she is a Muggleborn. I suppose it's a mark of how the wizarding world has changed and is hopefully more open-minded in the next generation, although hopefully Evie has a better reason for wanting to be in Slytherin besides green being her favourite colour! I have a hint about where she will be Sorted from your summary, and I'm curious as to how she will react to it. I'm guessing being in that house is a big part of the story, so it's interesting how you will run with that. I also wonder where her new friends will be Sorted, and how that will affect Evie's growing friendships with them.

A suggestion that occurred to me while reading this is that you might consider fleshing out the dialogue with more description. For example, when you say that the sight of Hogwarts is like nothing Evie has ever seen before, you could add in some observations that she has about what makes it so spectacular. I think having more descriptive paragraphs would make the story a little more rounded, and make the dialogue stand out a little more. :)

I was a little confused about why Evie blamed James Potter for why she was angry with her brother, suggesting that they have some sort of history. Also, she didn't seem to recognize Al at all, even though he is James' brother. I'm sure you'll clear these details up in following chapters, but it's something to think about.

There are a few sentences in which the flow is a little disrupted or which come across a little awkwardly. For example, the sentence "Your upbringing has taught that or should I say you have learned it by your own. But you have courage, a strong Gryffindor you would make like your brother," might sound better as "Your upbringing with your mother has taught you compassion, or perhaps you have learnt it on your own. But you have courage, and would make a strong Gryffindor like your brother." It might help to read sentences out loud after writing them and fixing anything that feels awkward or any mistakes that you missed by reading it: that's what I usually do with my stories, and it's very helpful! :) Also, I think you could do without the last line altogether, since it seemed a bit unnecessary. Perhaps ending the chapter- and slight cliffhanger - on the line "I waited as my future was decided." would be more effective, at least in my opinion! :)

I hope this review was helpful and enjoyable, and I'm very sorry again at the long delay! You do have a good start here, so good luck and keep writing! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
I am really happy that you liked the main character.
I would definitely try to add more descriptions next time and thanks for the little suggestions that you have given.

To clear your confusion, Evie have ever met James but she knows him because her brother talked a lot about him. She's jealous of him as to her it looks like her brother enjoys the company of James more than her now. As she never had many friend, her brother was the oly she had ad ow she feels like James has stolen her friend and brother form her.

It's really helpful and it's okay. :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 925
Submit Report: