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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello there, I'm here with your requested review!

Ok the first thing I noticed was the big chunks of writing and the large gaps in between. I am aware that I'm a bit of a spacing freak, but I think that with smaller paragraphs and equal spacing it will make it nicer on the eye and people will like your story more. It may sound strange, but I did it to my own and it really helped!

I thought the first paragraph was a great introduction to the story. It had some nice description in it and got a sense of Marlene's voice. I just felt that it contained so much detail it might be better if you split it up, as it would allow the reader to absorb it more.

I noticed one typo in it too, 'He used to have this affect on everyone,' it should be effect not affect. :)

I really liked Marlene's monologue style though with the fragmented, short sentences. I really felt that I got a sense of her train of thought and it matched the mood as it gave it a disjointed feel to it.

Here, 'I hated how they were treating me, lately.' I would take the comma out so it flowed better :)

In the third paragraph, there were a few issues with tenses. You kept on switching from past to present and continued to do so throughout the one-shot. I would suggest reviewing it and seeing which one you would prefer to stick in.

I would have also like to see more of Marlene's inner turmoil about why she hadn't told the Order about Regulus. Was it due to him being a Death Eater? Was it because of Sirius? I felt that would have been a great thing to explore more in depth there.

In the second to last paragraph I got more of a feel of that, and that was really great. I liked learning more about the light hearted person she had been, because I could then compare to pre-Order and now. I also found her the most relatable in that section, probably because she was focusing on herself as well as outside events.

I really like the last section, as I finally got a sense of her and Sirius' relationship. The language and description you used in this one was really great as it gave a nice sense of conclusion to the story. The only thing I wish is that included more of these hints throughout and then it would have been great!

In regards to your CCs, I think if you just went into more detail and explained the backstory a little more it would become more understandable. Other than that, I really enjoyed it!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I get so annoyed with this spacing issue I seem to have. I'll fix that, thanks for pointing it out.

I always thought Marlene was a bit of a scatter-brain for some reason. I always pictured her as very intelligent but her mind is just always a mess.

I might take the part with Regulus out instead of embellishing it. I'm not so sure it belongs here. Maybe I'll write another Regulus/Marlene one-shot. Who knows.

I'm glad you like when she spoke about herself. I was almost afraid to put Sirius/OC as a pairing, because it really is just a reflection of Marlene on to herself.

I think I should make it more clear that this isn't completely based around their relationship even if she is speaking about him throughout the whole one shot. It is just her thoughts on her own growth as a person.

Other than the helpful tips you've given, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your review!


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