Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hello there, here with your requested review :)

I don't think you've overdone the drama here; in fact, I think your mood is appropriate to the gravity of the subject, and it seems to make sense given what canon characters reported about the atmosphere preceding the first wizarding war. I liked how Avery kind of dissociated from the moment there at the end and reflected on how he could use a curse like this to capture the attention of people at the Ministry in a real future attack. I also liked how the pre-Death Eaters sort of left the Hufflepuff boy with no options as far as escaping or righting his "wrong." It's subtle, but it speaks to their cruelty that the purpose of their actions wasn't just to get him to move (since he tried and that wasn't enough) but to show off their skills.

As far as Avery's training, I'm sure people are curious about it. I got enough of a general idea of what it might have entailed, based on what we witnessed in canon during Death Eater scenes, without having to actually have him recall it. One thing you could potentially add is some sense of how Avery felt about his training, like the pain. One question that popped into my mind was why he would do something he knew to be so painful. There are obvious answers, of course--it's what he feels is right, he likes taking control--but I think you have some room to play with those more and go deeper with your exploration of his character. I don't think you need to worry about removing the mystery; in fact, it would be sort of scary and ironic if Avery knew how much the Cruciatus Curse hurt from personal experience and still found a sort of perverse delight in inflicting it upon others. Just be careful with ToS as far as describing torture.

Overall, I think you did a nice job here. I didn't notice any technical errors and I thought the story flowed well, especially for being so brief. You've really captured a powerful and eerie moment here.

I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda, Thankyou for your review, it was exactly what I needed :)

It's really lovely to have such positive feed back, I appreciate the effort you went to to find the good in that little story.

I got a few Ideas from your feedback too as to how to incorporate the back story a little better, so I really appreciate that. It was actually your reminder about the ToS that kinda set off a little light. I dont actually need to describe what happened to explain much about the training. Particularly with the question you raised about why would he do something that he knew was painful. The thought process there is something I can explore in more detail, and that will be a way to examine it which I would be more comfortable with than explicitly detailing what the training was. I seem to have a mental block about that!

Really appreciate the time you have taken!
Thankyou
Anthea


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 104
Submit Report: