Reviewing time! :)
So, you asked me to comment on your OCs. That's exactly what I'll do! Here we go!!
Eden: She seems like a pretty cool character. A bit neurotic, with a flair for Potions (hopefully she's got a weak spot academically, because if she were good at everything, that would kind of defeat the purpose). She DEFINITELY doesn't like Becky, and Jacob is a problem for her. She's still harboring feelings for him (or maybe just his abs?). I'd really like to see her work through all of that stuff, because really, if he's a jerk, then why is he worth it?
Jade: As is the case for Eden and Jacob, so it is for Lucas and Jade. Jade is obviously head-over-heels for Lucas, and he can't even give her the time of day. I thought that the only-eating-apples thing was a little bit much--I mean, that would probably make her just as much of a fangirl as the random Slytherin fangirl is for James. As far as I can tell, guys don't really like it when girls stalk them, so maybe Jade could let a little of that fall by the wayside? I'd like to see some feminism, some "He doesn't like me, but he doesn't know what he's missing!" Jade doesn't believe in herself much, and I think it would be a fabulous thing if she could have some events in the storyline that will, over time, make her a stronger character and a stronger person. :)
Jacob: He's a jerk. That's all, really, except... Using Eden just to play with her emotions?! That's a very low blow. He's got to be lying. What is his home life like? Is Draco a good father? Does Scorpius exist? Does Jacob think that he has some womanizer legend to live up to? Because that is SO not the case... Draco only ever dated Pansy at Hogwarts, and she was definitely not worth writing legends about. So, what is Jacob's motivation? Is he heartbroken, suffering from a tough home life, or what? It would be cool to see his motivation for being a jerk as his character evolves!
Lucas: Okay, he definitely seems like the more rational twin of the two. I guess they balance each other out, but he's off his rocker in one aspect: Girlfriends. Why is he dating Becky? Is it her plastic implants? Did he lose a bet? Is he having a mid-teen crisis? And why won't he talk to Eden about his relationship? I know it's really none of her business, but you would think that he would update her a little bit... We'll just have to see, I guess!!
Ryan: Seems like a nonentity in this chapter. I'm sure he's got a story, but his main role here is to inform the others of Dom's swing at Becky. Why was he there to witness it? Did he just hear about it, or did he actually see it happen? Does he have a secret crush on anyone? Is he messed up in some psychological way? Mysterious guy, this one is! I'd like to see more of him later, unless he's just kind of the auxiliary friend--the one that floats out on the fringes, coming in with a witty comment occasionally and then fading into the background. You know, I don't really want him to be that guy--I feel like he needs an equal spot with the rest of them. But that's just my opinion. :p
Becky: What a two-face! She seems really rude and mean to Eden, but Lucas seems to believe that she's a saint! Which twin is right? Is it just a perception problem? Is Becky actually a super secret spy? How did she get to be Head Girl in the first place? How did she and Lucas start dating? Is it just because they're both Heads, so they decided, "Hey, why not get a snog out of it?" Interesting questions... But really, if Becky IS a two-face, it would be good to see some more evidence of that. And if she's just a straight-up meanie, it would be good to see her being mean to everyone, not just Eden. Maybe Lucas just puts up with her because he likes the way she kisses. I would like to see more development of her character in future chapters!
Only one point of confusion in the storyline, and that was this:
"I pulled out one of the books that mum had given me to read over the holidays, and began to read. I don’t usually read sappy books about teenage angst, but this one seemed really interesting. Eve had said and I quote, “That book changed my life! Before it, I had no idea men could walk on water, or turn water to wine.”, before someone had told her that the book she had read, which took her three years, yet she still did not finish it, was the bible."
So, was Eden actually reading the Bible, or was she just talking about her sister reading the Bible? I know that she pulled out a book, but then she went off on a tangent about the Bible, and I wasn't sure if that was the book she was reading or not. Maybe she was reading The Hunger Games or something. I would just like some clarification on that point, so maybe it would be good to reword it a little bit. But don't go crazy--it's really not a huge deal. :)
Well, that's all I've got for now. I hope I was helpful to you!
May your pen never run out of ink!