Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hey Athene, here with your requested review!

What a cool little one-shot! I love the interspersed descriptions of how a heartbeat physically occurs; it definitely heightened the feeling of action for me. I also liked the way Molly struggled with the different visions of the future she saw, all of them devastating; it really brought into focus her desperation and humility in this difficult moment. There were so many lines that I thought truly cut to the core of who Molly is--the pleading of her broken heart, the way her body could be used to shield the children she'd dutifully and lovingly carried, the sense that losing her children would leave her with absolutely nothing. I'm very impressed by your ability to capture her in so few words, especially this really awesome moment.

To answer your question, I don't think the plot is confusing, especially with the way you framed it in quotes from canon. I don't think the ellipses really get in the way either, because it makes sense that Molly's thoughts in this moment would be a disjointed, seemingly unending train of fears. What could be interrupting the flow, though, is the way you sometimes go a little heavy on the imagery. Perhaps it's because I've recently become more conscious about my own use of imagery, but I noticed a few places in which it seemed like you put in one or two descriptions too many, such that it caused me to slow down and drop the pace of the action a little bit. For example, here:

She poured every ounce of hatred, every drop of anger and grief and every single blinding, scorching, thrilling atom of love she possessed into her wand, as she sliced the space between her and Bellatrix.

I think you could potentially drop a couple of the adjectives for "atom of love" just to pick up the pace a little and help us arrive at the end result.

That's all I could find that suggested potential issues with flow. Otherwise, everything seemed to work well. Your story made me wonder just what Molly thought when she was in the presence of Bellatrix's body, the body that had once housed a fearsome witch who, seconds ago, threatened everything that Molly holds dear--especially in contrast to the very real possibility that she could have been facing her daughter's body instead. I'm sure the image stuck with her for a long time.

Great work! I hope this review is helpful!


Author's Response: Hi Amanda! Thank you so much for the review. Molly is pretty much my favourite character, so I'm glad you feel I've managed to capture some of her here.

Thank you so much for the advice on the imagery - I completely agree. The line you picked out has been bothering me since I wrote it! So it definitely needs an edit. It's really helpful to get that CC, as the pace and flow is so important to this piece!

Your thoughts on the presence of Bellatrix's body are so interesting and I wish I'd thought to include a little of that at the end.

Such a helpful review, and from a writer whose work I adore... Thank you again!

Sarah xo

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 890
Submit Report: