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Review:redraven says:
Dear academica,

Wow that was a lot to take in! I think you did a great job with Snape. The way you represented him was definitely in keeping with the canon. I especially like how you drew parallels between how Snape looked like his father and he wouldn't want his mother to hold that against him -- just like how Harry resembled James and Snape would have to get past that.

I think you could've done more with Pettigrew. The relation between his actions and reactions was a bit confusing, and either his motivations weren't completely explained or they just don't make sense (which is ok -- the reader just needs to be able to understand how confused he is). Like when he vommed in the sink after giving away James & Lilly's location -- was this just a physical reflex or was he really disgusted with himself? That kind of stuff. He talks about feeling like an outsider among the Death Eaters, yet for some reason he decided to join them -- that could also be further explained. He's certainly a tough character . . .

Your language is beautiful and your descriptions really illustrate the scene taking place. Sometimes your sentence structure gets a little convoluted, so watch for that. Make sure that you aren't trying to squeeze too much into one breath. Sometimes your descriptions bog down the pacing of the story, so also be mindful that when action is happening you want the pace to quicken. I felt that the most when Severus was running to the Potters' house.

I really enjoyed this story! Love the concept -- the two spies, and how you present their two experiences simultaneously. Great work!


Author's Response: Hey, thanks for stopping by!

I'm happy to hear that you liked my portrayal of Snape, and what an interesting observation about the parallels between his feelings about his father and his feelings about Harry--I don't think even I quite picked up on that. I love it when readers take my story to a whole new level.

I definitely appreciate you being willing to offer some critique, since that's what I was looking for and I haven't gotten much on this story so far. I try to communicate characterization using subtle cues--for example, mentioning how Peter's body had cleansed him in a way that his words could not, and the way he felt conflicted about joining the Death Eaters but wanted to secure some sense of power for himself. I think part of it, too, is that I like leaving things a little ambiguous so as to allow the reader to decide some things for him or herself. It just creates a nice opportunity for dialogue in a review. I can see, though, how some readers might not prefer that and how I could have made a few things clearer in this story, and I'll definitely take that into consideration the next time I re-read this or when I work on my next story.

I'm always dancing on the edge of just enough and too much imagery, so I'm sure my language does get kind of convoluted at times. I'm kind of sad that you felt like the imagery at Godric's Hollow was too much, because that was my favorite imagery in the whole story, but I think you make a great point in terms of balancing action and pace with the amount of imagery. I'll definitely try to put that into practice from here on out.

Thanks so much for your kind review!


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