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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, there. Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

I thought this was a really engaging start to your story. You picked an interesting slate of characters to run with and mixed canon and original characters evenly. Your writing was descriptive and engaging and it was easy to visualize the scenes and events you created.

Probably my favorite thing about the way you wrote this chapter was how you made the delivery of information feel very organic. A lot of authors will sort of bludgeon the reader over the head with back story in the first chapter. They'll back up the proverbial truck and unload a mountain of details about the characters -- names, years, houses, appearances, quirky personality traits, etc. Instead of doing that, you worked in some relevant information in a very natural-sounding way. And you left some things unsaid, which isn't a bad thing at all. I feel like I know just enough about your characters to want to know more, and that's what a good first chapter does.

I'm intrigued to know what an American girl is doing at Hogwarts, or why she's going to be spending the next two years living with the Potters. I'm also a bit curious why she seems to be meeting Ginny and Harry for the first time on Platform 9 3/4. The first section of the chapter -- whether it was a flashback or a memory -- really grabbed my attention. I get the feeling that poor Perri has survived something very traumatic, something that still haunts her at certain times. Again, you did a great job of giving me just enough information to make me want to know more. You're pacing things really, really well so far.

Suggestions? One thing I think you should keep an eye on is mixing up your word choice. This sentence jumped out at me: Blood was rushing to my brain in waves, not helping the dizziness that seemed to be invading my brain like an army of small men. When you repeat something like "my brain" twice in the same sentence, it can sound a bit sing-songy. There were a few other places I remember seeing something like this. It isn't a huge deal, but your writing is so lovely otherwise that it stuck out.

Lastly, a few typos:

"And she wonders why I don't like to be seen with her in public," James muttered just loud enough for me to hear as we stumbled passed Roxy, or so he thought. - stumbled past

"You poor baby." Finn frowned and attempted to poke Roxy in the eye with his finger, but his attempt was sabotaged Roxy's re-acquired magazine. - was sabotaged by

Roxy squealed. "I'm so glad we get to keep her!" Her trunk in one hand and my hand in the other she dragged me passed as glowering James. - dragged me past

Like I said before, great start! You write really well and I think you've put together a compelling premise here. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Oh my! Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'm really glad you liked it so far! I tried not to give away too many details in the first chapter. I feel as though part of the fun of reading is trying to figure out background stories and the plot before you are given all the information. If I was to give all the details in the first chapter the story wouldn't be as interesting!

An American at Hogwarts is definitely strange and sometimes considered a cliche, but Perri has a definite reason for being there. Throughout the story you're going to find out why she's staying with the Potter's for 2 years!

Ah yes, I do have a nasty habit of doing that sometimes. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to go and fix the double words. Meep, I try to stay away from it, but sometimes it happens without me realizing! I can never pick up typos by myself because I always read it the way it should be, so thank you! I'll go fix those mistakes ASAP.

Thank you so much for the wonderfully helpful review, and for taking the time to read my first chapter! xx


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