Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ginerva_molly_weasley says:
Hi there,

Here I am with your requested review. I tend to review as I'm going so please forgive me if it does seem a little bit incoherent but I'll do my best to be as clear as possible.

Your description to start off with draws the reader in and I think you've used it really well, being descriptive about the paintings whilst not being too overpowering. You give descriptions about your character too such as her liking the silence which is nice to start off with as I find myself wanting to know more and more about her.

The conversations between the paintings is interwoven well with the dialogue however it does seem to be a little bit short. The little snippets showed the gossiping but did not really have any coherence together. It still works but my attention was drawn to it a little.

The sentence "After a good two minutes, I took a sharp left turn. Seeking my destination, I started counting off the vacant classrooms to the right side of the hallway in my head." seems a bit listy in my opinion as there is no need to list all of those actions or be so descriptive. Also the whole sentence just seems to be a little bit odd. The whole counting off classrooms confused me when I first read it.

The idea of fear consuming her is interesting and helps keep the reader hooked as it works without it being too much of an overused phrase. Also the 'blink's stood out to me as really bold. It broke up the page and I felt myself very draw to it so that definitely had the desired effect.

I felt that the "Nice job, door! Couldn't you at least be a little quieter? " didn't fit well there with the seriousness of the description and it didn't fit with the fear that you had to have the humour afterwards.

The guy with hazel eyes intrigues me as I want to believe it is James Potter but think you would have made it more obvious that it was him. I also like the mock-stern as it is obvious he is going to be a jokey character but also one who brings them all back down to earth when they go too far so I'm glad you included that in at the beginning before we get to know him.

Albus as a Slytherin is again very interesting. This will work well in the plot further on especially if you are going to include many Weasleys and Potter's through the story.

Oh so it was James! Ignore what I said above as you describe him very perfectly here. I want to know why Albus has trust issues and different perceptions and again this would be good to explore further on in the story. I didn't like the fact you tied up all the loose ends in one sentence though. It seemed too final and too forced in that way. You could just have left it at that.

The laying low seems pretty ominous as though it is foretelling a very large prank to come in the future so that is interesting. The prank was also awesome!

Albus seems like a very troubled character here with his cynicism. Please make sure you keep this up in further chapters to help with continuity.

One thing that really stuck out here was " Everyone, sans Albus, froze ". British people don't use the word 'sans'.

Why is she so interested in Albus' emotionless side all of a sudden when she hasn't been at all interested whilst she was James' childhood friend?

What mission are they aborting? I feel like I have missed something here.

You showed the thickness of the atmosphere well here with the description. Albus gave her the look of pity? Interesting.

Who is her? Thats a very good place to have a line break!

Ranon is a very unique name and I like that you gave her quite a unique character description with something to stand out and make her memorable right from day one.

You change between 'Ronan' and 'Ranon' in the few paragraphs afterwards. I would be inclined to say you meant Ronan so it might be worth changing that.

She is very interesting with the gossiping she does and I can't wait until we see more of her. She has a lot of character traits similar to Rita Skeeter so you could build upon her really well.

Further on I can see that you have designed her to be very much like Rita Skeeter. Be careful as it may seem like history is repeating itself and her character at the moment is becoming very vilanous already. Pushing for details on Gabby and James' breakup is as well something which reminds me very much of her. The digging and the hunger is something many journalists show so I can just picture her in my mind. Gossip is awesome and I can just imagine James, still caring about Gabby and trying to protect her.

Albus is a real character isn't he, taking her bag. He is one to watch for sure throughout all of this. She has not spoken to him before so now he just has all of this presumptiveness about his ability to play act with her. He took her wand too which is not playing fairly!

Oooh Albus does have a brain! He is absolutely fabulous with him wanting to give Ms Ronan a story to protect everyone from digging into their lives and whats all this about 'to shield you'? I'm completely intrigued by this.

Albus is brilliant 'Free snogging' how dare he be so presumptive as he is just wants all the fun without the commitment. She will change her mind I do wonder why.

This was an excellent chapter! I would like to see where you go with this.

Please feel free to rerequest!

Author's Response:
Hello! This wasn't that incoherent but very detailed. So thanks for this!!

I am glad that the first few paragraphs come out that way. I was hoping the descriptions would make sense and not overpower.

They were short since I didn't want it take away too much attention, I guess. I never thought of making those snippets longer but now I am thinking about it.

I do see what you mean. I didn't realize it became to descriptive when I was writing this but I do see it now. :)

You are probably the first person to notice the 'blink's. I was worried that those parts came out weird but your input on it has made me feel relieved. :D

I was concerned that some parts have come out too formal so that is why that part is in there. I'll probably edit it out since I do agree that it does stick out and doesn't fit in with the mood I had created.

You will see a couple more Weasleys and the last Potter. Though, I won't reveal which ones will be prominent since I am that sneaky. :P

Aww, I am glad you thought the prank was good. And I think you are the only one who has caught the foreshadowing.

I never knew that British people don't use, 'sans.' That is interesting and will help me write chapters in the future. I will most likely replace that word.

I will try my best keep Albus like that. He is troubled but he has a lot of different sides.

Hmm...Aaliyah has changed as a person like we all do. As a child she was a little oblivious to some things. However, she is more calculating now. The only reason she has taken an interest is because he acknowledged her, which he usually doesn't do. He doesn't always open up to people so him taking interest in her made her wonder about what changed and why.

The look of pity...something no one wants. It was a small detail that leads on to more. I just can't say what the 'more' is. ;)

I did mean Ronan. I think while typing sometimes it came out 'Ranon' for some reason, haha. Definitely on my to do list to fix those. She has become more like Rita than I intended. When I first came up with her character, I hadn't thought of Rita at all. She will be her own. I'll just need some time to make her a bit more unique. Thank you for reminding me of that though.

James and Gabby are both protectors. James is more obvious that he is protective while Gabby is more the type to watch out for someone behind curtains so they don't notice.

Albus is one of my favorite characters to write. He is one to watch. Albus is the wise and cunning one while Aaliyah is more of the clever one. They both actually use their brains unlike some people, lol. Albus likes to tease. He was hoping that the 'free snogging' will make her not questions his motives. Sadly, she caught on.

All in all, thank you so much for the wonderful review. It was very thoughtful and very helpful. Not only did you point out what parts can tweaked but what things I should consider for the rest of story. Thank you again. :D


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 339
Submit Report: