Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi! I shall now review your story. :)

Wow... That's really a lot of kids!! I don't think that I can keep track of them all! D: But really, you did a very good job with giving them their own voices and letting them speak a little bit. The only bit of confusion that I ran into was when Eden greeted "her little brother" in the kitchen. Because the large family had only just been introduced, I was really unsure of who the "little brother" could be. It might help if you mentioned his name somewhere in the ensuing paragraphs, just for clarity's sake. :)

I was also a bit confused at first about Eden's relationship with James. They seem to have a good friend dynamic after a few paragraphs, but the awkwardness of their first "hello"s on the train is a bit misleading. It seems as though James has a huge crush on Eden, and either she doesn't realize it, or she knows and chooses to ignore it. Why did she ignore James' emails and phone calls over the holidays? Why is he so concerned for her? Is it because of Jacob Malfoy? I am very curious indeed!

Other than those points of confusion, I thought that the introductory chapter was very well-written. You gave us enough detail so that we could try to figure things out, but not so much that the story was already over before it had begun. Of course, this is a lengthy chapter, but that's mostly because you've got a lot of things going on that need initial explanations. Great job!

May your pen never run out of ink!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hello!

The huge family will be confusing at first (as expected) but I hope it becomes clearer soon because the family really is a big part of Eden's character. I think I did point out who the "little brother" was like a few sentences later where I said that "Noah looked up with his big blue eyes and grinned".

Eden and James' relationship does seem confusing now, but it's meant to ;) Who knows? It might even include this mysterious Jacob Malfoy that our lovely OC has knocked over.

I had so much to write in just one chapter. If I hadn't been tired when I wrote this, then I'm pretty sure it would have gone up to 10k words. Thank God it didn't, right?

Thank you so much for leaving a brilliant review! I'll be sure to re-review soon.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 576
Submit Report: