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Review:academica says:
Hey, here from Review Tag!

Okay, I like your characterization so far. Your characters have plenty of life, but it doesn't seem over the top, and I like that you don't have Lily and James screaming at one another straight away. The only thing is Lily cursing so much--it seems really unlike the Head Girl to be cursing all the time. Maybe it would help if you provided some more context for why your Lily speaks that way.

I was a little confused about the setting in that first section, though. First I thought we were at Hogwarts--and I was a bit thrown by the fact that surely Millie would be late to class if she didn't wake up until ten--and then I thought we were on the train when you made reference to "getting back to Hogwarts," and then Diagon Alley showed up. I think it would help if you made the location much clearer in the beginning, just to set the stage.

One thing I would suggest is taking out where you have the point of view labeled at the top of each section. That's something you can provide with context clues in the actual body of the story, and having it there sort of breaks up the flow a bit.

I have a feeling this is going to come across as a really critical review, but hopefully you find the feedback useful. I think this is a good start; it's just that you've gone in a bunch of different directions right off the bat and it's a bit confusing. I'm sure you'll work things out as you edit :)

Nice start!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello! So lovely of you to drop by!

:D I'm glad that you think that the characterisation is on the right track! The beginning of this was written so long ago, but characterisation is something that's very important to me, as that's one of the main things that makes me invest in a story. And I understand about Lily cursing - it seemed right at the time, but now, it seems a little wrong. Perhaps I shall go and change that one day,

And I know! I completely forgot about mentioning where this was set! It's such a rookie mistake! I feel horrible. Another thing to put on the list to go fix!

Haha! This review was wonderful! I loved receiving all your critiques - it's wonderful that you took the time out to do that!


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