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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi! I'm so sorry that it's taken me a very long time to get back to you with this review, but here I am now! :)

So, when I was reading your review request, I noticed that you asked me to be "as brutal as possible." The only problem is, I don't want to be brutal! As a fanfiction reader/writer/reviewer, I know that the stories we write are kind of like our children--we love them despite their imperfections and when other people are mean to them, we tend to go on the defensive.

...At least, that's what I do, anyways, even without meaning to. It's just that when you spend all of your time sculpting your characters, you come to know them much more than your audience will ever be able to. That in itself deserves some love and recognition, and here, I come to the main point of this rambling monologue: I will not be brutal or mean to your story. I will only offer suggestions, comments, and praise. :)

...Now I'll get to the actual "reviewing" part of the review.

I really like the premise of this story: That Cindy has to go to work to help fund a very big dream of hers. It kind of echoes the Cinderella tale in that aspect, and I'm sure that's where she'll meet the Prince Charming that changes her mind about love. I'm very interested to see what job she'll end up having!

Her relationship with Dom seems very sarcastic, yet loving. It's quite a change of pace to see cousins that are NOT Weasleys, so this story is kind of unique in that regard. It's very good that Dom encouraged (or maybe forced) Cindy to apply to the Healing school, because, despite their little quarrels and et cetera, it shows that they really care about each other.

I would, however, like to see a little more action in this chapter. A flip of the hair, some pacing around the room, maybe some facial expressions, would add a lot more to the storyline, especially when the girls are having dialogue with each other. I know as well as anybody just how hard it is to balance action with dialogue, so don't despair if it doesn't quite fit at first. To add in some detail, I would suggest having a friend read Dom's dialogue while you read Cindy's, and you both can do the expressions and actions that would come naturally if you were the ones having the conversation. It sounds kind of silly, but if you're stuck, it's a fun thing to do and it just might help you out! :D

I'm so happy for you, getting a beta and all! Betas are awesome--they catch the things that we don't see, and they're really good sounding boards for ideas and plot twists! I actually read some of the other reviews before sitting down to write this one, and I can tell that the spelling and grammar has already improved since some of the older reviews were written. Now that you've jumped that hurdle, I would suggest that you have your beta look for punctuation mistakes, because I saw several of those. Proper punctuation really cleans up a story and makes it a little easier for people to read. There's no absolute rule that says you have to have positively perfect punctuation, but your readers will thank you if you give a little attention to it. :)

Overall, this was a really good start to what seems like a very interesting story! I hope that the next chapter is going well for you!

May your pen never run out of ink!


Author's Response: Thank you for an amazing review and I'll surely work on things you pointed out :)

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