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Review:marauderfan says:
Hi! Here with your requested review.

I think your dialogue is pretty good and it's believable. It flows well too - I like the way you've introduced what happened to her father, slowly over the course of the chapter. But you didn't reveal everything about it, which is nice because it saves some of the mystery for later chapters. I'm really curious who's behind it all.

I thought I'd mention the characterisation to point out something you could improve. I'm starting to get a feel for who Melody is and what she's like, but it's basically all just in the form of facts. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Melody was not the type who liked to show emotion in front of others. Even her two best mates, Scarlette and James, did not often see the depths of her emotions and half of the time they saw it because she often found herself unable to lie to either of them. She would feel too guilty and they knew her too well anyway.

I think one of the most effective methods of description is to show rather than tell. And before this passage (and again at the end) you've actually done really well showing how she doesn't want to talk about it in front of the other girls, so it seems unnecessary to add in the sentence that "Melody wasn't the type to show emotion..." Also, the following sentence in that passage seemed to contradict itself - do they figure out her feelings because they know her, or is she successful at keeping her feelings hidden?

Hope the CC wasn't too blunt. I do think you've got a nice start here! I can see what looks like the beginnings of romance and a little mystery as well :) Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for your review. =)

I'm really glad to hear that about the dialogue because to be honest it was one of my main concerns. I wanted the story of her father to be gradual thing, yes partially to add suspense because I do like a hint of suspense.

I am admittedly a little confused at your point on characterisation..because first you said that the feel of her you got is mostly in facts, which I do have present in my story as you pointed out and then you said that I've also shown it in her actions such as her not wanting to talk about it. Point taken though, and that is true. I guess it's a habit I've gotten into. I agree that the best way to display a character's personality is by showing. I am glad though that what I said at least matched up to what she did; I'll try to work on that though.

To clarify what I meant in that statement (and I understand how that was confusing)...Melody does not like to open up and even her best friends don't 'often' see what she truly feels- indicating that sometimes they do. And then I went on to say that 'half of the time' they did see it. So basically sometimes she is successful in hiding her emotions, but there are times when they do see it and it's either because they know her well or because she finds it hard to lie to them.


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