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Review:MC_HK says:
You've got some misuse of punctuation, as there are areas that have a comma ending the quote instead of a question mark. There's a part where you say Lily's confused, but I think you should change that to anxiously. She's already jumped to the conclusion, so she isn't going to be confused, but eager. I spy a couple of missing words as well peppered throughout the chapter. I don't think Sirius could finish something silently, because if he did, he wouldn't have said anything at all. It should say something like, "He finished quietly," or something to that effect. "I don't really feel when I kiss" is kind of a confusing sentence for me, and could be reworded a little. You also split up dialogue from one person in to two paragraphs, and that it confusing, as that normally means that the next person is talking. The whole "who's talking?" thing is still getting to me! You have the word 'one' instead of the word 'own' i the snowball fight scene. 'Our' should be 'your' on when Dorcas is talking to Dumbledore. I'm kind of confused on the part where you say that Harley wouldn't understand Dorcas's situation, because don't they have the same situation? You also have Dorcas saying Nick's name a lot at the end, so a couple of those could be weeded out.

I do like the progression of the story, and look forward to reading it when it's updated. MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all those little details! That really helps me out a lot.

The reason I make her say Harley wouldn't understand, is because her and Harley are so different. You'll see in the next chapter, I promise.

I'm so mad that I can't rush to put in a request right after I answer! I'll be back as soon as the next chapter is up, I promise.

Until next time!


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