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Review:marauderfan says:
Hello, back with your RR from the forums!

Firstly you have improved a lot since the first couple of chapters - there was some good attention to detail in this one. I really like the way you've written James. Usually Remus is the sensitive one who picks up on things like that but I like to see James being observant too :) I think the flow and pacing are good as well.

A couple of things with continuity: Forgive me if you've said this and I just missed it, but what year are they in? I can't remember Dorcas ever mentioning it. I would guess sixth year? Or possibly fifth? I can tell it's not seventh because Lily says she reports to the Head Girl, meaning she's still a prefect.

Also, why would James automatically assume she is leaving (in the note he writes)? As much as I liked James being perceptive, I think he was a bit too perceptive to be believable!

Interesting to have Dorcas as an Animagus too. It doesn't quite fit with canon, but it works really well for the purposes of this story and illustrates the strong bond Dorcas has with the Marauders. I really liked the banter between her and the boys in this chapter, particularly them calling her out on a "sit in a circle" talk!

Lily seemed a bit mean in this, calling Emmeline a tramp - I guess I've always seen Lily as a really sweet person, so it surprised me. I wondered about Hestia too - Dorcas mentions she's not the brightest bulb, but there's really no context for the comment. Was Hestia talking about a test she failed or something? The comment just seemed out of the blue.

Since you asked about spelling - there are a few minor spelling mistakes throughout the chapter. You wrote "ever experience" instead of "every" in the beginning paragraph. You also had a few misplaced apostrophes (one place you wrote "girlfriend's" instead of "girlfriends") I don't know if you wanted me to list all of them, but if you want spelling/grammar help perhaps get a beta reader? Anyway, to be honest there weren't that many. It didn't interrupt the flow of the writing, and I think if you read the chapter over you'll be able to spot them. You've done well on this chapter, good work!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I like to write James like that, because I feel that if he was completely ignorant, Lily would find very little attractive about him.

They are in sixth year, sorry you didn't get that. I should probably say it again. And wow, now that I think about it, that's pretty bad. I think I kind of forgot that James doesn't actually know everything!

I think, keeping with the theme of this story, it was very important. She is completely one of them in this story, so I thought it would be weird not to include her. And yes, no matter how great of friends they are, she is still a girl!

I think (same thing with James) that if she was perfect nice Lily all the time, James wouldn't really like her that much. I think it's important that he accepts her flaws and she his. And Dorcas really just means overall, Hestia is dumb. Dorcas really doesn't like her that much, because she's very tactless. It's a bit hypocritical because Dorcas can be tactless too, but that's Dorcas for you.

Thank you so much. I do have a beta, and he probably just missed those couple words. I'll have to go over the chapters!

Thank you so much, this was a great review.


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