Okay, so I figured it was about time I read something of yours, especially since you've been spoiling me with amazing reviews on my stories, and it's definitely time I return the favour :) Besides, I've never read a story about Charlie before, and I really look forward to seeing where this is going.
This chapter was so sad! For some reason I found it especially touching because it was from Charlie's POV - after all, having seen him only through Ron and perhaps Ginny's admiring eyes, he always seems like such a tough, strong person, and it's so sad to see someone like that break down. Of course, there would be something wrong with him if he didn't! I loved the relationship between him and Bill (I can definitely imagine the two of them being the closest). Hopefully, Charlie will open up to him soon, so that Bill can convince him that it wasn't his fault! It's so sad that he thinks it was!
I don't know if this was a typo or not, because I'm not a native English speaker, but it just sounded a bit off: "He was very nearly crying himself", the 'very nearly crying' part. I think I would have written 'very near crying', but if I'm mistaken, just ignore that. You're probably a lot better at English grammar than I am ;)
I also have another suggestion. When I read this paragraph, I felt like you used the word 'Charlie' a few too many times:
"Bill had always known how to comfort Charlie, and Charlie knew that Bill would be able to comfort him now… but Charlie didn’t want to be comforted. A part of Charlie somewhere deep inside wanted to keep suffering in silence, to continue punishing himself with seclusion and guilt." I think you could write: "... but he didn't want to be comforted. A part of him somewhere deep inside..." I hope that makes sense!
Other than those very small things, I really enjoyed this chapter! I think that this was my favourite part of it:
"It was a name he’d heard his mother yell thousands of times in anger or frustration, a name that was almost synonymous with mischief and foolery. Now, however, the name was accompanied by grief and heartache."
That it just so beautifully written, and so moving, just like the chapter as a whole. I'm definitely going to come back soon and read the next one. Good job on this one, you should be very happy with it!!
Author's Response: ♥
Hey there lovely!! Thank you SO, SO much for stopping by to read and review this! I can't tell you how much it means to me! It was an amazing surprise and it really made my day! And I'm so, so terribly sorry that it has taken me so long to respond!
Yes, this is quite a sad first chapter! :( I was actually afraid that would keep people from wanting to read more, but it doesn't seem to have! :) And I thought it was quite fitting, for someone as seemingly tough as Charlie to inwardly be very sensitive at a time like this.
I agree, it's very sad that Charlie thinks it's his fault, and I'm glad you like the relationship between him and Bill. That just sort of came out of nowhere when I was writing this chapter, but I'm so very glad it did because it fits perfectly! :)
I agree, that sentence does sound a bit off... something about the syntax is a bit wonky! Thank you SO much for pointing that out! ♥ I'll be sure to take care of that when I edit!
Aah. The never-ending "Charlie". I tend to do this a LOT in my stories. I think I've improved a little bit in later chapters, though, I hope you'll agree! Again, thank you SO much for pointing that out! That's something else I should take care of when I edit!
Haha! I'm not sure why, but I really loved that line, too! :P
Aww! Thank you for the compliments! I'm glad you felt the chapter was moving. Again, thank you SO VERY MUCH! ♥