Hey! Here for your much, much delayed requested review from the forums. My apologies for taking so long to get this done but real life stuff had kept me super occupied. Anyway, on to the review!
I quite enjoyed this first chapter of your short story collection. I think it made for an interesting and even amusing read. Victoire's characterisation looks good. I liked how you've built up on the fact that she is the eldest cousin, and gone on for her character traits like bossiness and yet anxious attitude from there. The way she dealt with the situation at hand was fun to read, and I enjoyed her subtle exasperation with her cousins. It was also nice to see her let go and have fun herself in the lake, and then see her creative side coming up with the bath mobile and such. The way the entire thing came together was fun to read.
I liked the small details too, like her hear skipping a beat when Teddy gave her an awed look, or the small details of the kind of mother Fleur is which we learn through Victoire's thoughts. You did a good job tying it together with your simple yet elaborate descriptions, which made for an easy read.
The only criticism I'd give you, is that I'd have liked to see perhaps a bit more clarity in your descriptions of the narrative. I got a bit confused in places as to what was going on, especially in the bath mobile crash, so if you made your descriptions more explicit there, it would be good. Some explanation and clear-cut language should do the trick. Apart from that, you also had a couple of grammar/spelling errors, so if you could do a thorough re-read and fix the typos, this would make for a much smoother read.
Rest, this was a good chapter and I enjoyed reading it. Your idea of the short story collection seems interesting and I am curious to see what you come up with next, so feel free to re-request.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it! :)
I tried to make Victoire look like an older sister, and an older cousin, and I figured she'd probably be quite bossy, and all that jazz! I thought that being the oldest cousin would probably be a blessing and curse for Victoire, and as much as she enjoyed bossing children around, she really did care about them and didn't want to take full responsibility over them all the time. She has a streak of Weasley in her as well, and thus must definitely enjoy a bit of havoc too!
Eeek, I'm so pleased you picked up on that! I tried really hard to add as much description as possible, and to really make it come together, to try and make as smooth as I couls.
I must admit, even I got a bit confused in the bath mobile crash! I will definitely go back and fix the typos as well, thanks for warning me! :)
This is such a helpful long review, you've been so nice! Thank you very much!