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Review:marauderfan says:
Hello! Here with your requested review.

You have some really wonderful imagery in here. I loved the description of Charlotte's face displaying emotion like an exhibition: "It was like a play where her hair was the curtains and her eyes and expressions were the stars of the show." That's just beautiful!

And I also like the descriptions of the portraits as Aaliyah walks down the corridor. It's not crucial to the story but it adds a lot. I really like examples of "everyday" things that happen at Hogwarts so that was nice to see.

I thought it was funny how the Chudley Cannons are finally doing well for once, after decades of being the worst Quidditch team of all. Ron must be thrilled. :P

Ok as for characterisation: I think you've done well with your main character so far, I can understand her. My main question is Al - why is he so broody and surly? He seems nothing like the shy, sweet Albus we see in the DH epilogue, and I was wondering why he ended up in Slytherin and what happened to make him so standoffish. Perhaps you could elaborate on that in the next chapter, or if you edit this one later, you could add some of that in.

For plot - I found myself wondering why this meeting was happening in the first place. At first I thought they were all waiting to talk to the headmaster, but then it was just to provide information for a gossip column? And even then it was just James and Gabby who were pretending to date. Why are Albus and Aaliyah even there? It seemed a bit awkward and contrived to me. (I'm sorry if this seems harsh, by the way. I really like your writing style, I just think that the plot could use a bit of work!) ;)

Lastly, you also asked about britpicking - I'm not actually British, but I did notice a few Americanisms: "ize" should be "ise" - the words vandalized, rationalizing, etc. should be vandalised, rationalising. Likewise "neighboring" should be "neighbouring"

Good work on this first chapter! And congrats on posting your first story in a long time :) Keep on writing!

Author's Response:
I am happy that you liked the descriptions and imagery. I was hoping that it came out more natural than fake, you know?

Yes, Chudley Cannons! I though it was time for them to be doing good, especially for Ron.

Your comments for characterization has got me thinking. I made Albus a very complex character but you will see more of him next chapter. Albus is different. His sweetness and shyness does come out at few times though. And I'll be sure to add how he got into Slytherin. Most of it may come out a little later in the story though.

The plot does need a little brush ups. I'll be sure to put in some explanations in the next chapter so it doesn't get too confusing.

You weren't harsh at all. Thank you for the criticism and feedback. And I love you for doing some britpicking. I'll be sure to fix those.


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