Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:marauderfan says:
Hello, here with your requested review from the forums.

I think the way you've written Molly and Lucy's interactions are good, Lucy being the tattling younger sibling, and Molly being the moody older one. Molly's faults are evident already - I thought it was funny how she considers herself out of her "rebellious" phase but she's clearly not! She's such a grumpy teenager :P But of course, she doesn't see herself that way. So I think you did that well.

One thing I think you could to improve the writing would be to show rather than tell. What I mean by that is you kind of dump information on the reader, as Molly tells about her personality, her family, etc., but a more effective way of getting a character's personality across is to show it through their actions and what they say, rather than just what they narrate about themselves. Sometimes this means it takes longer to establish characterization, but it makes it an easier read for the first chapter and overall the reader gets a better picture of the character.

For example in one of the paragraphs Molly says: "She and Lucy are so alike, it's like Lucy is her twin. Me, well I have different personalities to everyone in my house. I am loud, energetic and outgoing. Basically, I clash with her. She's all neat and tidy (I think OCD since she cleans things at least five times) and I'm messy. My room looks like a bomb has exploded in here."

You've showed that they clash, but maybe instead of just telling the reader that Audrey likes to clean, show Audreys frustration when bacon grease spatters on the stove, or when she sees books/magazines/rubbish on Molly's floor as she goes to wake Molly up.

You also tend to switch tenses sometimes (and I don't mean just the flashback, because I know that's earlier, but at other points in the main narrative). It seems that you're using past mostly, but it hops into present tense a few times - so you might want to clear that up so it's all in past tense.

I hope this CC didn't come across as too harsh, I really am not trying to be mean! I think you've got a good start, keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hello,

I'm glad you like Molly and Lucy and they're relationship which changes over the course of the story.

Guilty of that on several accounts. The first version of this chapter was very much like that. I'll be sure to show it rather than state it. Again I'm guilty of that as well, I think it's because I sometimes get distracted by what is actually happening around me which is why it jumps.

Certainly not harsh as I miss those things when writing, so it's good for other eyes to spot them when I don't.

Thank you and I'll take on board you're CC!!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 543
Submit Report: