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Review:SilentConfession says:
Hey! I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get to this review! I've just been busy with RL stuff and the HC!

No romance? This will be interesting, for sure. You definitely emphasize that this will not be a romance story and focus a lot on how everyone is just not interested in it. It actually makes this story very ridiculous. Not in a bad way, just, it adds to the hilarity is what i'm trying to get at. The fact that there is a massive barrier between sexes and between romance. It's very dramatic but It helps the story along definitely.

The flow of this chapter seems to be okay. There is some choppiness to it because there were times I wished that i could see the characters doing things and have them come alive a little more in certain parts. Something that may help is just to add a little extra description about what they're doing, what their arm movements are like, facial expressions. What do they smell? Things like that help us envision the scene a bit more and I think that's the only thing that made the story a little less flow-y if you know what I mean.

Character wise. I think you generally did a good job. You seem to have a grasp on your characters well and they come across strong in this first chapter. I liked how Lorcan was talking about how his brother doesn't understand intellectual pursuits and yet it's Lysander who's basing a lot of stuff on theories/ideas on some psychologist (who i refuse to name because I don't think his ideas were A+). They are likable and endearing in their own outrageous sort of way. I wanted to smack Lysander a few times but I did enjoy reading him. I wonder why he's so 'fixated' on psychology and Freud. Hope you develop that in chapters to come. I like he flamboyance though and his ability to just say whatever comes to mind. It's a good quality to have. Lorcan is equally as well developed so far. I liked his terror and how he says he's not brave and doesn't ever want to save damsels in distress. You play with that characterization well and I've begun to like him a lot.

The balance between dialogue and description is good. I'm someone who always loves description and i lean towards that a lot. However, I think you have it balanced quite well and the only thing i'd mention is that when there is dialogue don't forget to add some telling details of what your characters are doing. Where they are sitting or what the room looks like or if it's changing as they talk. it just adds a little more depth to those moments and can give us a clear and vivid picture of your scene.

This was a delightful and easy read and if you aim is for a slightly ridiculous plot that seems to take things less seriously then i think you've hit something special. It seems a little overdone in some places, but in a way the comedic release that you get from that is spot on. So it really depends on your goals are for this story. This is a first chapter so no one can expect fully developed characters or plot and if you're aiming at developing them more just make sure that they are multisided individuals. Really, this is a great beginning, feel free to re-request if you found this review helpful :)
-zayne

Author's Response: Hello!

Okay, I have been SUCH a bad person for the past gazillion months because I didn't answer this review for the LONGEST time, but here I am, finally responding. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to finally stop being lazy/busy, if you like to read author responses. Please forgive me!

Balancing dialogue and description is something that I have trouble with, especially when the characters are conversing and I'm supposed to describe what they're doing and what's going on around them. I just can't get a handle on it! Maybe in the future, when I finally edit this story, I will look over the dialogue portions and see what I can do to make things come to life a bit more. Thank you for the suggestion!

I am so glad that you thought that my characterization of the boys was good! Yes, I also disagree with Freud (he was kind of a jerk, but he contributed to psychology, so yay for him, I suppose), but it was fun throwing in all of the references. I wrote this story at a time when I was studying intensely for my psychology exam, so it kind of transferred over to my writing. :)

Yes, my aim was for absolute ridiculousness, and as a result, the characters don't have a lot of good background. Why does Lysander like Freud so much? Probably because the silly girl who wrote him was steeped in psychology at the time. I can definitely try to work on that, though.

Thanks so much for your review, and again, I am SO sorry that I was rude and didn't respond for a LONG time. :P

~UnluckyStar57


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