|Review:||Athene Goodstrength says:|
Well, wow. This is a beautiful, intricate and tragic little tale, and a really creative take on the 'travel' theme. It sucked me in completely!
The missing relationship Alice has with Frank is so poignant, and really sensitively rendered. You do an excellent job of creating that sense we all get sometimes that we know something really well but just can't bring it to mind - and you show us how awful it is for someone like Alice living with that sensation for years. But the fact that you make her more than an empty shell, but a woman who still has an independent mind as she works so hard to remember, who still has this amazing but lost connection with her husband, is just so... ugh. Words just failed me. You did a lovely job with this story, basically.
The simple line, "She doesn't know him", just broke my heart completely. Oh, Neville.
I found the scene where Alice looks at her naked body in the mirror intensely sad, and incredibly moving. It's a simple image that beautifully illustrates the tragedy here... her body shows the marks of a life lived, that has now been forgotten.
Although you noted that the time-span might be hard to follow, I thought you did a good job of portraying Alice's lost sense of time. If you wanted to expand on this story after the HC, you could always add in a glimpse of the passing seasons as she looks out of the window?
I did notice a couple of issues with wording:
"She feels a connection with him, and he does too." - This sounds a little off - maybe something like "and he seems to feel it too"?
"Her and the man" - this is said a few times, and doesn't sound right. It should probably be "she and the man" or "the man and her".
Finally, there's a line in Augusta's conversation about where Frank inherited his powers which I'm sure is missing a word or two. It does sound a little odd when she calls them 'guys', as she always comes across as a very formal, staid character, but that might just be my perception!
Those little issues did not detract from this amazing story, well-written and with beautiful characterization. Well done!
Author's Response: Hello!
I'm going to let you in on a secret about the 'bringing things to mind' part: I used the feeling I have when I can't remember a dream, a plotline, words, where I put something. :p It was a real struggle but I'm glad to hear that I somewhat pulled it off! :)
That's a great idea about the seasons, I'm definitely going to think of changing that! I just currently have a lot of school work to do and exams to attend, so it'll probably end up being December before I finally remember to fix it. :p But thank you so much for that idea!
I did have a lot of trouble with this, and it was very rushed. So I will have a good edit and I'll fix it all up! Thank you for picking it all up! :D
I never realised that! As soon as you pointed it out, I was like, "Augusta wouldn't say that, Kayla what were you thinking?!"
So yeah, I'll go and fix it all up after school finishes, but thank you for pointing it out! :D
Thank you so much for this lovely review. Sorry for being so late in responding to it!
- Kayla. :)