Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

I really like that you use Albus' preparing for Hogwarts and worrying about getting sorted in to Slytherin as the catalyst for Harry to read Snape's diary.

I think the section where Harry visits Spinners End is great! The visual descriptions are very vivid, and I could picture him sorting through the detritus as I read.

Grammar and punctuation are very good overall, however, I did spot a couple of sentence fragments. "The amber coloured liquid, both intriguing him and repulsing him." This sentence looks like a fragment as written, but you could easily fix it by removing the comma and changing the present tense verbs "intriguing" and "repulsing" to past tense. Here's the other fragment: "As he drank, he reminisced. Of that dark night four years ago..." In this case, I would simply remove the period and combine these phrases into one complete sentence.

As for characterization, I like that Harry waits so long to read the diary because he feels like he's intruding. I think this is definitely in-character. "He would know more about this man who deserved so much more respect than he had got." Despite respecting him, I think Harry might still have trouble reconciling the Snape in the diary with the Snape who bullied him at school. You hint at this with the chill that Harry experiences when he first sees the photograph of Snape with his mother. I think Harry may continue to express his conflicting emotions in various ways as he reads.

So far you're off to an interesting start! I never would have guessed that this is your first non-Rose/Scorp fic. :)

Author's Response: Hey :)
This is such a lovely review. I cannot tell you how happy it's made me :)

First things first. CC.
Thank you for pointing those out. I'm just dying for a bit of free time now, so that I can fix these errors, however minor they may be.

Now, getting to the rest! I'm glad you loved the Spinner's End bit :) I wrote it just as I was imagining it in my head. I wanted to use imagery. Looks like I've achieved what I wanted to over there... About characterization, I'm just relieved that you think I've written Harry well. Since he's one of the characters we all know best, there's a chance that even a small error could ruin things. So, I was especially careful while writing about him. I'm glad you picked up on my little hints too!
All in all, I love your review :)
Thank you so much!

And yes, it really is the first time I'm writing a non-Rose/Scorp! :O :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 716
Submit Report: