|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
Hi! Penelope here with your RR:
Thought I’d do this review by pointing to specific quotes
“The bathtub is big enough to swim laps in...” This is a really great example of something I think you’re doing quite well in--instead of telling us what something is like, i.e. 'There’s a huge bathtub’, you show us. You really add all the tiny details into scenes--what everyone’s wearing, specifically. Not only does it help the audience to picture it, which is always a good thing, but clothes seem like the kind of thing your protag would notice, so it makes a lot of sense that it would be included.
"Tomorrow’s the last day of summer, and it will go out with a BANG. Literally.” About Abigail--normally, I’ve got to say, I would really hate her: snobby rich girl who revels in living up to stereotypes. However, quotes like this are the reason I don’t despise Abigail, or at least feel like I could come to like her, eventually. The girl has a sense of humor. That’s an essential. And even though I’m not enamored with her snobbery, I don’t mind it in a first chapter. A character has to have room to grow, and they can’t do that if they’re already perfect. I’d always prefer a flawed protagonist to one that’s too shiny and perfect. You’ve taken the story of someone I’d ordinarily not be able to stand, and made me want to find out what happens to her, despite her imperfections. That’s a skill. The real reason behind that is your excellent writing. Your structure, flow, and description are all really good!
The other thing that interests me is that you didn’t make her a stuck-up Slytherin. Your group is comprised of Ravenclaws, so I know that, underneath the superficial exterior, all these girls are intelligent, and I want to see how that manifests itself later on.
I only noticed one grammatical error:
“Now my surprise date with Hudson Thomas doesn’t seem all that cool now!”
--Now is repeated, one at the beginning of the sentence, and one at the end. Either would work on its own.
But that’s the only thing I noticed.
My only general constructive criticism would be that you introduce the girls all at once, and it can be kind of hard to differentiate them. That isn’t necessarily a problem, though--it could be an advantage, if you split them up a bit later and give us the chance to know each girl as a separate entity. In fact, if you’re planning on taking them from a seemingly typical ‘popular crowd’ and show that they actually have depth, then the way you’ve done it works marvelously, because blending them together in the beginning would only accentuate that all is not as it initially appeared, if they grow later in the story.
"Bar fights, no matter how dignified, are never a good idea.” Once I realized what this referred to, I laughed aloud. Another great example of Abigail’s sense of humor.
On the whole, a very nice first chapter! Good work.
Author's Response: Hi Penelope!
I'm glad that you like my details - I was a little afraid that people would be annoyed by my references to what people were wearing and all that, but it's something that's part of Abigail's character and I didn't want to avoid talking about it either. I'm glad to know you thought it worked though!
It's perfectly acceptable that you don't like Abigail right now - she's not exactly the most likable character. But she does have that odd sense of humour and other parts of her personality that aren't that bad - and she's definitely scheduled for some character development in the future.
They're definitely Ravenclaws, although for what reasons, you'll find out soon enough! I figure Slytherin has had its fair share of mean girls and Death Eaters that maybe another House can have the "bad guys" for once. :)
Oops, that would be a result of me typing too fast for my own good!
As for the girls, I did kind of mean to introduce them together. They will gradually get pulled apart and characterised separately, but for now, I like them as the clump of popular girls. :)
I'm glad you liked that title, haha. Thanks so much for the review!