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Review:LilyLou says:
LilyLou here with your requested review!

So, I figured I'd just read this first chapter and go through different things about this. You asked about General Quality, so I am going to go through and tell you the pros and cons of this chapter each in turn! Beware of Constructive Criticism. Please, don't take anything I say the wrong way, I'm only trying to help and am in no way saying you're a poor writer in any form.

-Okay, so I've noticed your quotes need a bit of work. The punctuation of it is an easy fix, though! For example, in this, "I would give it more like five" , you should have a comma just after "Five" and before the quotation. I have a pet peeve about stuff like that, so I couldn't help but point it out! It's easily fixed!

-You also asked about chapter length. This is a VERY short chapter. I personally don't like to post anything less than 1300 or so words, unless it's a one-shot. In this case, it's not. A long chapter also holds attention longer, and it gives the reader more of a chance to decide whether or not they want to keep reading or not. By combining chapters or adding details and depth to a chapter is an easy way to make that word count go UP!(:

-Run-ons! You seem to enjoy writing run-on sentences!(: It's an easy fix; go through and pick out your run-ons. Break it up into a few different thoughts covering that one big jumble of words, so it's not a run-on, but multiple complete sentences and thoughts.

-The Characterization. Well, there really wasn't enough of them to tell me much at all in this chapter. Add details about James and Blake. Describe them, add details. You'll notice how some authors will launch into a small story or description of the character in the middle of something before returning back to the original scene. This helps the readers learn more about the character, to make the character more realistic. You want your characters to be realistic.

I hope you didn't take anything the wrong way. Not many people can write, and you writing this is a big jump! You're a very good writer. Keep writing, and I hope this helped in some way or another.

Keep writing!


Author's Response: Thank you so much! I completely understand the need for constructive criticism. I did get a beta and some of the items where fixed and I will look into fixing some of the other things. Once again thanks!

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