LilyLou here with your Requested Review!
Okay, major points!
-You're thoroughly descriptive. You add a lot of details about everything, giving your story more depth and length. You create a picture in my mind; as if I were really there, as Astoria. The imagery is amazing in this story.
-You tend to write run-on sentences. If there's one thing you seem to love, it's the word AND. You use it quite often, and while it's okay in some places, of course, if overused, it can make your writing look poor. You're an amazing writer, as I said in my last point with how detailed you are, but maybe if you would cut down on the ands, it would be a little better! In my eyes, anyways. Some may disagree.
-I do love the relationship between Scorpious and Astoria. They take the same view on the purebloods as well as many other things. They share a very good sibling relationship! Well done writing that, it can be a bit difficult to stick with.
-Just a warning, though I'm sure that this has been pointed out, some people are not the biggest fan of the whole "Killing Myself" attitude you've placed on Astoria, and it seems Blaise has that as well. I don't have a problem with it at all, but some may. I think that it helps you see how she truly hates her way of life, and maybe Blaise does as well.
-Though you write him with amazing technique, I have to say I don't like Draco's character. I don't see him being so... forceful. That's totally my opinion, and while I see many purebloods in this way, such as Rabastan Lestrange and Crabbe, I just don't see Draco like that. Just my opinion!
Your story looks really good, and I hope this helps with whatever questions you had!
Author's Response: Hello!
Thanks for stopping by with this review so quickly, its always a nice surprise! :D
Bwha, thanks for the compliment on detail, I always think I put in too much but I can hardly help myself, I really just like making sure the scene is described well enough so that the readers can follow along without any problems. And its always better if you can sit there and be completely engrossed in the backgrounds and characters.
Oh, I've got this horrible thing with run on sentences and especially for the beginning of this story in particular. I'll have to go through and fix those, I've just been so busy that I haven't had time to get that done but I will sooner or later.
Scorpious and Astoria have a very good relationship right NOW hahaha but they do agree on alot of things that their family might not approve of. I don't have an older brother so if I did, I'd want him to be as funny and overprotective as Scorpious and sort of made him out to be what I'd always wanted. And plus, its always fun having siblings argue for me in a story so I made sure that they got along first before going into all of that.
I haven't gotten any comments on Astoria's "killing myself" attitude, other than that its sort of funny and relatable. I do understand what you mean but she isn't at all serious, just being moody and sort of a brat when she's thinking like this. Being in the room with purebloods doesn't help matters.
You're not supposed to like Draco at all! Hahaha. He's not the hero of this story and I don't want you falling in love with him! Hahhaa. I think of him more as a bully that wants what he wants when he wants it so I picture him using more force. I always have so I don't really know why...but anyhoo, that's just me! :D
Thanks for coming and feel free to stop by again!